Tag Archives: lists

Do something lovely for yourself this Valentines Day

This Valentines Day, why not do something good for yourself – instead of swallowing the marketing bullshit whole?

animal-smiling

Love is in the air

There’s an adage that says you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

But this adage says nothing about being obsessed or dependent or hopelessly devoted to someone else before you love yourself, does it?

And look around – there are so many dysfunctional relationships in this world aren’t there?

Just look at the Catholic parishioners who lust after their priest …

… The priest lusting after their altar boys …

… And the altar boys lusting after Minecraft characters.

Luckily, you don’t have to be in a dysfunctional relationship to show yourself a bit of love.

Here’s how:

 

Give up smoking: This is easy once you get over the anger, depression, physical agony, obsessive day and night-time dreams, rages, suicidal and murderous thoughts, etc.

Rab-C-Nesbitt

Not sure he loves himself enough to cut down on his drinking

Cut down on drinking alcohol: This is easy as long as you can put up with losing your friends and social life, shaking like an ornament during a smallish earthquake and feeling a restless emptiness like the worst form of grief.

Stop eating so many sugary snacks: Again it’s a piece of piss as long as you can put up with virtually constant sobbing, dizziness and pure, unadulterated emptiness.

If these methods sound a bit extreme, you could opt for less ambitious options of showing yourself you care:

  • call a friend you absolutely love, but haven’t spoken to for ages (as long as they’re still speaking to you – and aren’t dead or in a coma)
  • on a cloudless night, just look up at the sky and stare at the stars (but not for so long that you crick your neck)
  • get a dog or a cat (unless you’re scared of – or allergic to – them, and don’t mind proximity to animal faeces)
  • there are loads of other ways to make yourself feel special – they’re littered throughout the http://simlington.com blog. So feel free to look around.

And if you do want to be nice to someone else, why not just give them a hug and say ‘I love you’.

And maybe give the money you were going to waste on a heart-shaped box of chocolates to a charity for refugees, domestic abuse survivors or the homeless – who really do need to be reminded that someone cares.

You can follow simlington on Twitter

What to do if the internet dies

Many of us rely on the internet. Sometimes we even do something useful with it, like sharing cupcake recipes and telling strangers why their opinions about Brexit and Trump are stupid. 

But have you thought what you’d do if the internet died? 

There are various technical things that could go wrong with the internet. These are too technical for this article. And some outside scientific events could also cause a catastrophic breakdown of the internet. Again you’ll have to take my word for this. 

Here, instead, are five tips to survive the death of the internet. 

1. Panic. This could take the form of screaming, scrunching yourself into a ball or shaking uncontrollably. 

2. Get a paintball gun or water pistol. This will help you to rob necessities without murder complicating things. 

3. Stock up on necessities like Flakes and Quavers. 

4. Have a plan. For example – how are you going to share inspiring advice or updates on your weight? Round robin letter? Phone calls? Radio phone-ins? 

5. Wait. Someone is bound to invent a new internet at some point. 

I hope you’ve found this article useful. If not, I have other advice on what to do if you find a frog in your garden and how to decide between chips and mashed potatoes. 

10 new year’s resolutions for an anxious depressive

Here are 10 new year’s resolutions I think I can keep – these are mainly reminders not to be a dick. 

Feel free to borrow any or all of them – not that I’m calling any of you potential dicks. 

I’ll stop digging and start the list. 

1. Keep not drinking alcohol. 

2. Keep not smoking cigarettes.

3. Keep swearing profusely – swearing is big and clever. Sweating less so – despite autocorrect. 

4. Keep walking at least six miles a day. This aids sanity.

5. Keep meditating every day. This also aids sanity and makes me seem wise. 

6. Don’t lose hope. The world will always contain bell ends. It’s a matter of not letting them piss all over you.

7. Keep not reading the news. It really is designed to make everyone anxious.

8. Keep taking the tablets. 

9. Keep being as nice as I can be to other people – being generous and kind really is good for everyone. 

10. Don’t eat snow – it contains more pollution than expected. 

Happy new year!

British summer: The 6 worst things about a British heatwave

by Simon Henry @simlington

We spend most of the year complaining about how cold, drizzly and depressing it is in Britain.

During deepest winter, the term ‘day’ has a sarcastic ring to it, and getting settled in front of the fire is as good as it gets.

We dream of those long, glorious summer days when the sun shines endlessly, A&E is inundated with burns and the train tracks melt.

But heatwaves aren’t all fun, you know.

Mansfield may be hotter than Malawi. Bognor may be warmer than Burundi. Perth may be more sweltering than, erm, Perth.

But there’s more to a British heatwave than dipping your feet in the North Sea and suffering frostbite, dripping Mr Wippy ice cream on your expensive new Bermuda shorts and sitting in a four-hour traffic jam, failing to get out into the countryside.

No, no, no. It really isn’t all fun. Here are six reasons why.

(It’s too hot to do any more than six.)

1.
British men are either really arrogant and talented TV chefs – or absolutely rubbish at cooking.

The majority can just about peel a banana, warm stuff in the microwave and open tins. They also think they can do the barbecue during a heatwave.

And of course they can’t – so levels of botulism and salmonella poising rise faster than the mercury in the thermometer.

2.
The British do translucent skin like no other nation.

Staring at the bluish tinge of a pair of traditional British legs does having a cooling effect on the viewer.

But it also makes you wonder just how people who own this type of skin can survive with literally zero Vitamin D in their system.

3.
The sight of a scrawny, tattooed, tanned youth riding a stolen bike while rolling a cigarette, drinking a can of Stella and swearing into a mobile makes a translucent, middle-aged, slightly overweight, non-multitasking man feel ever so slightly inadequate.

4.
Old ladies continue to wear the same anoraks, fleeces and wool hat combinations they sport in February.

Just looking at these ladies can make you pass out in a haze of overheated anguish.

5.
Although British men are cleaner than they used to be, a minority still believes that deodorant is only for women and effeminate males.

And a reasonably large subset of this moderately big subset still lives by the saying: ‘I have a bath once a month, whether I need it or not.’

Stand next to one of these old school morons on a packed Tube or bus journey and you’ll rue the high pressure creeping over the country from the Azores.

6.
People start writing annoying ‘humorous’ blogs about heatwaves.

And like a little child in a sweet shop who ends up getting so excited they’re sick on the floor, when the British weather gets too excitedly hot, it all ends in sickening thunderstorms before the dominant weather fronts from the west re-establish themselves in all their depressing, damp, drizzly glory.

Follow me @simlington on Twitter for more laughs.

And why not read some of my other blogs while you’re here. Some popular ones recently are: Defence of three letter acronyms, a warning about running marathons and an A-Z of horrible office jargon

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014