Tag Archives: jokes

Best short gin jokes, puns and quotes – let the fun be-gin

Too much gin can make you tearful – so here’s an antidote. Some lovely gin jokes and one-liners to read and share while you’re enjoying an ice cold G&T.

Brought to you by York Gin

Don’t cry over spilt milk – it could have been gin.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a gin.

What’s the sophisticated drinker’s favourite Xmas carol?

Gin-gle bells, gin-gle bells ….

“Trust me you can dance.”

⁃ Gin

When life gives you lemons (or limes) make a gin and tonic.

Save water – drink gin.

A gin and tonic has 91 calories.

A banana has 115 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

A yawn is a silent scream for gin.

I want someone to look at me the same way I look at gin.

Gin and bear it.

Good friends offer advice. Real friends offer gin.

Let the games be gin.

Exercise. Walking round the house looking for my glass of gin.

I didn’t text you. Gin did.

Gym? I thought you said gin!

Sometimes I have a bath because it’s difficult to drink gin in the shower.

Of all the gin joins in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

If you can’t remember my name just say ‘Gin’ and I’ll turn around.

I love you slightly less than gin.

Gin lovers are better lovers.

I make gin disappear. What’s your superpower?

Education is important.

But gin is importanter.

Gin – because everyone needs a hobby.

Let the good times be-gin.

Size does matter. No-one wants a small gin and tonic.

A day without gin is like … I have no idea.

A woman goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac in her bag.

She says: ‘A large gin and tonic please. And one for the road.’

You should have a warm heart and a cold gin and tonic.

Brought to you by York Gin

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The best offensive, controversial and awkward Christmas jokes

Here are some festive jokes that are ruder, more anti-religious and have more sexual content than your average Xmas gags. Ho, ho, ho!

At Christmas, I remember closing my eyes and waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left …

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

When did George Michael die?

Last Christmas.

Christmas is rubbish.

Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

Why does Santa go in through the chimney?

Because Mrs Claus said he’d never get in through the back door.

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at three hoes.

I wanted my step-daughter to play with the rabbit I bought her for Christmas.

But her mother said that sex toys were not an appropriate gift for an eight year old.

Last night, Father Christmas emptied his sack in our room – which is why I’m leaving your mother.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?

He was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

‘Twas the night before Christmas. And a very pregnant Mary fell off the donkey – causing a miscarriage.

As I was paying for my Christmas tree, the shop assistant asked: ‘Are you going to put that up yourself?’

I said: ‘No you dirty sod, I’m putting it up in the living room.’

Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and asks the receptionist: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Why are priests like Christmas trees?

Their little balls are just for decoration.

Here are less offensive – but probably funnier – short Xmas jokes

And here’s how to get excommunicated from the Catholic Church

Merry Christmas again.

The world’s best, funniest, most hilarious cheese jokes of all time

Say cheese! There – you’re already smiling.

During my research I’ve sliced out the cheesiest jokes – so you only get the grate ones. Whey to go!

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.
I thought: ‘That’s not very mature.’

Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree? No, but an applewood.

What cheese is very succinct?
Brie-f.

What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
It’s nacho day.

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi.

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?
Because the roquefort back.

What’s the world’s most annoying cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de-Brie.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Which hotel do mice stay in?
The Stilton.

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.

What’s a Christian’s favourite snack.
Little baby cheeses.

Why do the cheese family go to Blackpool for their holidays?
Because they love the hallouminations.

Armageddon Cheese. Best before end.

 

Want some more jokes? Here are the best short jokes and one liners of all time

And here are the best Christmas and Easter jokes around.

Feel free to add any I’ve missed in the comments – you’d be crackers not to.

Best short Christmas jokes, puns, quotes and funny Xmas one liners

Here are the best, funniest and silliest Xmas jokes, puns, one-liners and quotes ever written.
I hope some of them make you laugh. They’re my present to you all.
Happy Christmas everyone!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

How do Spanish sheep say ‘Happy Christmas’?
Fleece Navidad.

The Three Wise Men sound very generous but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.

Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I’ve got my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.

Mary: Why won’t you put the rubbish out?
Joseph: It’s Christmas – there’s no room in the bin.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.

We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.

What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Why is Santa’s sack so full?
He only comes once a year.

What’s a skunk’s favourite Christmas song?
Jingle Smells.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

Which of all Santa’s elves is the rudest?
Gofuckyourself

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What’s a lion’s favourite carol?
Jungle Bells.

How can you tell when Santa’s close by?
You can sense his presents.

What’s a sophisticated drinker’s favourite Christmas carol?

Gin-gle Bells (courtesy of York Gin)

More gin jokes here >

What’s the best Xmas present?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.

I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note saying: ‘Toys not included’.

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.

The worst thing about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.

Why did Santa’s little helpers choose the outside table at the restaurant?
They wanted to eat elfresco.

What do you call a lobster who won’t share any of his Xmas presents?
Shellfish.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues.

What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs.

We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas so we gave the budgie chest expanders.

We’ve invited the mother-in-law round for Christmas for the last eight years.
This year, we might even let her in.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
He had low elf esteem.

Ant puts up Christmas decorations in the living room. Dec, the halls.

Marks & Spencer say it wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.
They’re right – it’d be Chrita.

‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’

Christmas is rubbish. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

A Jehovah’s Witness gave me an advent calendar.
The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Be careful drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk one year, I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar. Or, as you like to call it, a delicatessen.

What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?
A Santa clause.

What goes ‘Oh! Oh! Oh?’
Santa walking backwards.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper.

Here are the most offensive Christmas jokes

Here’s why you don’t need booze, presents or Christ to have a great Christmas

Here are the Top 10 minor Christmas injuries you may suffer this festive time of year.

Here’s why you shouldn’t bother making any New Year’s resolutions

Here are the best short jokes of all time, the best Easter jokes and here are the best cheese jokes everIf you’ve made it so far, you deserve a Christmas drink.

Best, funniest, most hilarious short jokes, one-liners and funny phrases ever

Here are the world’s best, funniest, silliest short jokes, one-liners, puns and funny phrases. Enjoy!

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?  Because horses are rubbish at drawing.

I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt

I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.

The cross-eyed teacher had trouble controlling his pupils.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A German asks for a martini.
’Dry?’ asks the barman.
 He replies: ‘Nein – just one.’

What’s small, red and whispers?
 A hoarse radish.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Don’t know, but the flag’s a big plus.

Einstein’s mum: Are you happy?
 Einstein: Relatively.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I’ve been using hand sataniser.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

What can think the unthinkable? 
An itheberg.

I just got hit by a rented car.
 It Hertz.

I played triangle in a reggae band but left – it was just one ting after another.

‘I love snow. Actually, I hate snow.’
 – Bi-polar bear

It’s a disgrace that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.

Say what you want about deaf people …

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work.

Legal fetishist gets off on a technicality.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it struck me.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
 I wonder what she’s up to now.

Knock knock.
 Who’s there?
 To.
 To who?
 To whom.

Drugs don’t kill people – people who run out of drugs kill people.

You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting – but all the seats were taken.

Roman: A martinus please.
 Barman: You mean a martini?
 Roman: If I’d wanted a double, I’d’ve asked for one.

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

A man said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
 I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
 I don’t know and I don’t care.

‘Describe yourself in three words. Lazy.

I wonder what ‘DON’T TOUCH’ is in Braille.

I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. 
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind.
 He gave me a kite.
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ mean the same thing – unless you’re at a funeral.

Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.

‘This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.’

Velcro – what a rip-off.

My dyslexia has just hit a new owl.
Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
 Because fromage frays.

‘I stand corrected,’ said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

My dad’s started p*ssing with the door open.
 Which is a bit inconvenient when I’m driving him home.

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

What Iran needs now is a more modern, moderate leader – a Mullah Lite.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star?
He died by choking on his own Vimto.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

It’s difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs – they’re always taking things literally.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

Masochist: ‘Hurt me.’ Sadist: ‘No.’

Make the little things count – teach maths to midgets.

Preparation H is pretty good – on the hole.

Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

Change is inevitable – except from vending machines.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Wife: What’s on the telly?
 Husband: Dust.

I went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.

A woman asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The dentist said: ‘Say Ahhh.’ 
I said: ‘Why?’
 He said: ‘My dog’s died.’

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. 
The photon replies: ‘No, I’m travelling light.’

Jesus goes into a hotel.
 He hands the receptionist three nails and says: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

I want to die like dad – peacefully in my sleep.
 Not like mum – screaming in terror in the passenger seat.

I called my lawyer and said: ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said: ‘Of course. What’s the second question?’

My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.

I asked the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
 He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
 I said: ‘I can’t do Tuesdays.’

The past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.

I took the wife’s family out for tea and biscuits.
 They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Pavlov is sitting at a bar when his phone rings.
He exclaims: ‘Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.’