Tag Archives: humorous

What to do if the internet dies

Many of us rely on the internet. Sometimes we even do something useful with it, like sharing cupcake recipes and telling strangers why their opinions about Brexit and Trump are stupid. 

But have you thought what you’d do if the internet died? 

There are various technical things that could go wrong with the internet. These are too technical for this article. And some outside scientific events could also cause a catastrophic breakdown of the internet. Again you’ll have to take my word for this. 

Here, instead, are five tips to survive the death of the internet. 

1. Panic. This could take the form of screaming, scrunching yourself into a ball or shaking uncontrollably. 

2. Get a paintball gun or water pistol. This will help you to rob necessities without murder complicating things. 

3. Stock up on necessities like Flakes and Quavers. 

4. Have a plan. For example – how are you going to share inspiring advice or updates on your weight? Round robin letter? Phone calls? Radio phone-ins? 

5. Wait. Someone is bound to invent a new internet at some point. 

I hope you’ve found this article useful. If not, I have other advice on what to do if you find a frog in your garden and how to decide between chips and mashed potatoes. 

The best offensive, controversial and awkward Christmas jokes

Here are some festive jokes that are ruder, more anti-religious and have more sexual content than your average Xmas gags. Ho, ho, ho!

At Christmas, I remember closing my eyes and waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left …

What does a transvestite do for Christmas? 

Eat, drink and be Mary.

Christmas is rubbish. 

Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross. 

Why does Santa go in through the chimney?

Because Mrs Claus said he’d never get in through the back door. 

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at three hoes. 

I wanted my step-daughter to play with the rabbit I bought her for Christmas.

But her mother said that sex toys were not an appropriate gift for an eight year old.

Last night, Father Christmas emptied his sack in our room – which is why I’m leaving your mother.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?

He was hoping for a screamer or a moaner. 

‘Twas the night before Christmas. And a very pregnant Mary fell off the donkey – causing a miscarriage.

As I was paying for my Christmas tree, the shop assistant asked: ‘Are you going to put that up yourself?’

I said: ‘No you dirty sod, I’m putting it up in the living room.’

Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and asks the receptionist: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Why are priests like Christmas trees?

Their little balls are just for decoration. 

Here are less offensive – but probably funnier – short Xmas jokes

And here’s how to get excommunicated from the Catholic Church

Do the British really care about Brexit? Yawns speak louder than abusive tweets

Leave supporters are threatening to kill, rape and castrate anyone they accuse of trying to stop Brexit. (I made the castrate bit up on the grounds that Twitter users should be less sexist.)

But is this sort of thing really British?Do the British really care about leaving or staying in the EU? And does anyone understand – or even want to understand – what’s going on? 

The British are supposed to embody the virtues of tolerance, fair play and respect for the other side. But that’s wrong – the myth was made up in the 18th and 19th centuries as a cover for racist imperialism.

Actually, the virtues of the average Briton are inertia, ignorance and apathy.

The British have better things to do than trying to understand complicated issues – preferring instead to watch Strictly, beg on the streets or write racist and homophobic tweets, depending on their socio-economic status, attitude to ballroom dancing and levels of bigotry.

Because of this horror of anything complicated or nuanced, their opinions are created by the ‘newspaper’ they read. Here are some examples:

Express readers obsess about the weather, Princess Diana and wanting to get their country back. 

Daily Mail readers are disgusted by sodomy, immigrants living in lavish houses and the arrogance of gay high court judges who dare to uphold the principle of parliamentary sovereignty and the rule of law. 

Sun readers are experts on breasts, the sex lives of the stars and foreigners coming over here, taking our jobs and raping our women. 

Except the British aren’t actually that bothered about any of these ‘issues’. Not really. Not if you asked them to be honest – except for the breasts. Sun readers love page three.

So what do the British really care about?

Smartphones

Dogs and cats

Football

Cars – especially Clarkson

Hair styles and dyes 

Beauty – especially nails and eyebrows

Christmas

Sleep

Rollercoasters

Tattoos

House prices

Having sex in budget hotels

The bloody weather

Shopping

Celebrities shagging each other

EastEnders and Corrie

Greggs

Strictly Come Dancing

Bank holidays – wanting more

Traffic jams – wanting fewer

Celebrity paedophiles

Holidays in the sun

Getting pissed 

Debt

Jacuzzis 

Speed cameras

Facial hair

Weed

Sexy fancy dress

Writing abusive tweets or facebook posts – threatening to kill, rape (or, hopefully in a less sexist future, castrate) people they don’t like.

‘Political issues’ – and the EU is one of the more arcane – come about 158th on this list of priorities for the British, just behind ‘creosoting the fence’ and just above ‘the Royal Family’.

I’m off for a nap. 

How you should vote in the EU referendum

If you’re confused by the referendum that will decide Britain’s future membership of the European Union, here’s a little guide that will tell you how you should vote.

This guide cuts through the hyperbole on both sides of the argument – it doesn’t mention the threat of war or the Nazis and Hitler. It keeps to the facts, helping you to vote logically and rationally.

Your guide on how you should vote

Go to the polling station and tell the nice man or lady your name and address.

He or she will then give you a card. You should take this card into a little booth and put a cross in the box next to your favourite statement.

The question you will answer is:

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?

Here’s your choice of statements:

Remain a member of the European Union
and
Leave the European Union

Make sure you only choose one – by putting a cross in the box next to your favourite.

Then, you should put the completed card in a box. The box will probably have a slit in the top.

Once that’s done, you should say thank you and bye-bye to the nice man or lady – and leave the polling station.

Finally, once you’re outside, you should go about your day as normal.

If you’re going to be away or incapacitated, you can get a postal vote or a proxy vote. The internet has information about how you should vote in these circumstances.

And that ends my little lesson on how you should vote in the EU referendum.

PS. I’m voting remain because I’m not racist and I am rational.

And if you like a bit of satire, here’s a funny UKIP manifesto I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s scarily true to what that ‘party’ thinks.

 

The truth about a Digital Detox

At the start of the year, I decided I should make a new year’s resolution.

I’d already stopped drinking lager in vast quantities and smoking my beloved Marlboro reds years before – and I was getting twitchy.

I like giving things up, you see. Especially ones that kill you.

Having said that, there’s no way I’m ever giving up Tramadol, fizzy Ribena or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

So it seemed obvious to go cold turkey on some other serious addictions – social media and reading the news.

I’ve been obsessed with the news for over 30 years – ever since the nightly reports on the BBC from the Arbitration and Conciliation Service, ACAS. I was even a journalist for a while.

And I’m a nosy swine who likes reading about other people’s misery. And I’m a sucker for a glib, shallow inspirational quote.

Three months without my regular digital updates, am I really still alive and compos mentis (Latin for sane)?

Well yes – and no. But that’s a different blog.

So what happened?

On the positive side:

I feel less twitchy about the imminent threat of being shot dead or blown up by ISIS, or whatever the media calls them now.

I feel less angry that we have a government full of the highest class of twat imaginable.

I haven’t missed the inspirational quotes at all. Strange, that.

On the negative side:

I don’t know what several acquaintances have been eating at each meal – and in between each meal.

I’ve started obsessively looking at my bank balance, the weather forecast for 20+ locations and I’m addicted to Wikipedia’s random page generator.

I haven’t seen Donald Trump’s picture all year.

As is usual with experiments of this kind, then, a mixed bag of results. I may return to my former addictions – or I may not.

But one thing is certain: the phrase ‘digital detox’ is really annoying.

How to be happy in 8 easy steps

happy

It’s depressingly cold, a long way from summer  – and even further away lies Christmas 2016.  So how can you make yourself happier right now – in the depths of miserable winter?

Here’s a list of 8 things that are guaranteed to make you not feel worse. If they do make you feel worse, I can take no responsibility. To do so would be to make me unhappy. Read on at your own risk.

If you think I’ve missed any happiness tricks, why not share them in the comments? It’s January – face it, you’ve got nothing else to do.

  1. Keep taking your anti-depressants, booze, heroin or other drug of choice. Don’t just stop taking them because you’re skint or because you want a new start. I’m no doctor, but I can tell you you’ll feel worse if you suddenly go cold turkey without having the courtesy to inform your brain and heart.
  2. Stop thinking about the meaning of life. If you believe in god, don’t ram it down other people’s throats as they are likely to tell you to piss off – and that will make you unhappy.
  3. Do meditation. Even if it doesn’t work, it gives you an excuse to do nothing for a while – away from everyone in the house.
  4. Do yoga. Even if it doesn’t work – and you can’t do it – you can marvel at how flexible your yoga teacher is.
  5. Go for long walks in the countryside. If nothing else, you can marvel at the eccentricities of your fellow countrymen and women. Hanging bags of dogshit from tree branches is eccentric isn’t it? But if you don’t like outside don’t go on long walks. Just get settled in front of the fire.
  6. Smile. Even if it’s fake smile, it apparently makes you feel better. Just put a Twix bar sideways in your mouth and let it dissolve – that way you get twice as happy.
  7. Do new things and learn new skills. This will make time appear to go slower. On second thoughts, if you want time to go faster, do the same things again and again. That way your life will whiz by
  8. Spend time with people you like. If you detest your spouse or partner then you may want to think about a divorce. If you hate your friends, you may want to consult a psychiatrist.

Or you could check all the jokes on this site. Some of them are even funny.

Like this one:

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

And this one:

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

It’s no surprise that the jokes are the most-read part of this site.

5 reasons to avoid New Year’s resolutions

Rab-C-Nesbitt

New Year – same old you.

Here are five reasons to be happy with yourself – no matter your size and dangerous lifestyle habits. You don’t need a new year’s resolution.  You’re perfect as you are.

1. Don’t go on a diet

They don’t work. You go through torture, then you put all the weight back on.
Anyway fat is the new black – you can be a pop star if you’re fat (Adele), you can be a major show host if you’re fat (James Corden) and the government won’t even impose a sugar tax. If ‘Fat Dave’ Cameron is happy with a fat nation, why shouldn’t you be?

2. Don’t try to get fit

Running is dangerous – you pull muscles, destroy joints and may even break your ankles. And there’s always the chance of being run over by drunk drivers.
Meanwhile, gyms are full of smelly narcissists staring at their muscles in the mirrors and making grunting noises. Much better to stay at home watching the telly with a box of chocolates (see 1).

3. Don’t try to learn a new language.

The rest of the world speaks English – many countries whose first language isn’t even English speak it better than us. All of Scandinavia, the Low Countries and Germany, for example. Do something more enjoyable than an evening class. Go to the pub and keep the economy going – see 4.

4. Don’t try to cut down on your drinking.
Think of all the infant craft beer, artisan gin and bespoke bars that are dependant on your continuing alcoholism. Even if your liver is feeling it a bit after Christmas, you owe it to the entrepreneurs who’ve bothered to improve the taste of the nation’s booze to keep your units dangerously high.

5. Don’t try to stop smoking.
It’s worse than heroin cold turkey. Unless you want to lose all your friends, your romantic relationship(s) and your job, don’t even go there.

Happy New Year.