Tag Archives: humor

Do something lovely for yourself this Valentines Day

This Valentines Day, why not do something good for yourself – instead of swallowing the marketing bullshit whole?

animal-smiling

Love is in the air

There’s an adage that says you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

But this adage says nothing about being obsessed or dependent or hopelessly devoted to someone else before you love yourself, does it?

And look around – there are so many dysfunctional relationships in this world aren’t there?

Just look at the Catholic parishioners who lust after their priest …

… The priest lusting after their altar boys …

… And the altar boys lusting after Minecraft characters.

Luckily, you don’t have to be in a dysfunctional relationship to show yourself a bit of love.

Here’s how:

 

Give up smoking: This is easy once you get over the anger, depression, physical agony, obsessive day and night-time dreams, rages, suicidal and murderous thoughts, etc.

Rab-C-Nesbitt

Not sure he loves himself enough to cut down on his drinking

Cut down on drinking alcohol: This is easy as long as you can put up with losing your friends and social life, shaking like an ornament during a smallish earthquake and feeling a restless emptiness like the worst form of grief.

Stop eating so many sugary snacks: Again it’s a piece of piss as long as you can put up with virtually constant sobbing, dizziness and pure, unadulterated emptiness.

If these methods sound a bit extreme, you could opt for less ambitious options of showing yourself you care:

  • call a friend you absolutely love, but haven’t spoken to for ages (as long as they’re still speaking to you – and aren’t dead or in a coma)
  • on a cloudless night, just look up at the sky and stare at the stars (but not for so long that you crick your neck)
  • get a dog or a cat (unless you’re scared of – or allergic to – them, and don’t mind proximity to animal faeces)
  • there are loads of other ways to make yourself feel special – they’re littered throughout the http://simlington.com blog. So feel free to look around.

And if you do want to be nice to someone else, why not just give them a hug and say ‘I love you’.

And maybe give the money you were going to waste on a heart-shaped box of chocolates to a charity for refugees, domestic abuse survivors or the homeless – who really do need to be reminded that someone cares.

You can follow simlington on Twitter

Can we be united in our divided world?

The UK and US are divided to an extent many of us haven’t seen in our lifetimes.

These divisions have gone beyond the historic milk v dark chocolate controversy.

Communities – even families – are being ripped apart over the relative merits of semi-skimmed v skimmed v full fat cow’s milk v goat’s milk v soya milk v almond milk.

Heartbreaking.

But if there’s plenty that divides us, is there anything that can unite us?

In short, can we hold out any hope for the human race?

Or should world leaders press their big red buttons now and finish us off now?

Here’s a list of things that unite us – things that perhaps could form the basis of a new optimistic future. Or maybe not.

We all want to be loved.

The only problem being that some people think they have the right to dictate who we can love. Keep your noses out of our bedrooms, you bigoted arseholes. Just because you’re not getting any doesn’t mean you have the right to deny other people the pleasure of a richly fulfilling sex life. Jesus Christ Alight!

We all get ill.

And in the UK, we still have a publicly funded health service that’s free at the point of delivery. The NHS is a shining monument to the absolute best of human collective endeavour. Some sphincters hate it on principle. These are often the same people who think the world is 8,000 years old and who believe Queen Victoria is still on the throne.

We will all die.

Indeed, several thousand Americans will die prematurely this year at the hands of gun-toting fellow Americans. Just saying.

So there we have it.

We’re all human.

And we’re all up shit creek – and if we had paddles we’d probably beat each other to death with them.

Why you don’t need booze, presents or Christ for a happy Christmas

I love Christmas.

This is weird as I’m not into presents, I don’t touch booze, I’m not a glutton, I don’t like the telly and I don’t do God.

When I was younger so much younger than today, getting a bottle of beer shampoo or a soap on a rope was actually exciting – and not in an ironic way. But why do I only remember the cleaning products? I think we’ll leave that one for my shrink in the new year.

I also really liked Jesus.

Midnight Mass, singing carols and praying were a way of life – not a pissed-up, nostalgia fest. I believed the whole thing – angels coming down from heav’n on a cold winter night that was so deep, trembling shepherds and their equally scared flocks of sheep washing their socks by night, the Virgin Mary wrapping LBJ in swaddling clothes and laying him in a manger after giving birth in front of lowing cattle and the most famous cuckold in 0th Century Middle Eastern literature.

On the other hand – and equally Christmassy – I’ve been known to spend every waking hour for several weeks either side of 25 December  as pissed as a fart.

img_8612

I’ve also experienced severe meat sweats while overdosing on TV Christmas specials, downing After Eights dunked in brandy while simultaneously farting sprout fumes and chain smoking the 200 Marlboros I got as a present – and thinking I’m having fun. So much for a typical Christmas Day in the early 1990s.

‘What’s the big deal?’ you may be asking. ‘Most of this sounds like pretty average festive behaviour, TBH!’

Nowadays, I’ve stopped boozing and smoking and I’m not arsed about parties – even political ones. I enjoy eating without the sweating. I’m not materialist. I’ve been kicked out of the Catholic Church on the grounds of apostasy and heresy. And I don’t particularly like Xmas jumpers – whether traditional or sarcastic-ironic, Mariah Carey, Christmas crackers, Santa hats, board games or annual quizzes, tinsel,  smug round-robin letters, Quality St, Advocaat or even the Holidays Are Comin’ TV campaign.

So how come I’m still simply having a wonderful Christmas time?

Put simply, it’s just that – for however short a time – we’re nicer to each other. For a little while, we think about – and even try to help – people who aren’t the lucky bastards we are.

It’s pretty impossible to be unmoved by the humanitarian tragedies around the world – and Christmas makes us think about them more as charities do a great job reminding us about them. And making effective pleas for help.

These campaigns also remind us there are so many people doing good, brave, extraordinary things to make this barmy world a bit better.

The need to give a shit hits home especially hard after a year like 2016 that’s seen a concerted attempt to move the hatred and bigotry of the far right into the political mainstream. And when utter arseholes (even smellier more revolting than the usual ring pieces) have secured some pretty powerful jobs.

So Christmas is a much-needed kick up the arse to give something to people I will never meet in countries I will never visit who face horrors I could never imagine. Or to people I pass on the street every day who also lead lives of quiet torture.

It’s a reminder to stop worrying about the insignificant bullshit that tends to clog our brains and to work out what’s actually important.

So thank you to everyone who’s reminded me to stop and think. Thank you to everyone who is trying in trying times.

You’re my true Christmas heroes. And you’re why I still love Christmas.

Oh and the Christmas jokes

Improving your mental health one good memory at a time

2016 could have been better in so many ways. 

You’ll have your own personal, emotional, musical, political and environmental low points. 

Which reminds me of the Tim Vine pun: ‘Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels.’

Anyway, there’s little point bitching now the year’s nearly over and the lunatics really are taking over the asylum. 

We’ve all made mistakes this year. My major howlers included having seconds of rhubarb crumble one dinner time in March when I was already pretty full. To make matters worse, all the custard had gone, so it ended up being a bit on the dry side despite the rhubarb juice and – to me at least – rhubarb without custard is like a fart without the smell: weird and slightly creepy. 

Bad simile. Second major mistake of the year. 

But no matter how angry, despairing and sad 2016 has made you, it’s good to remember things could get worse in 2017. They really could! 

But let’s park that, as chauffeurs often say. 

And instead of thinking about how shit 2016 has been or how much shitter 2017 could be, we could try a psychological trick that encourages you to concentrate on the good stuff that has happened to you. 

There is some evidence that by directing your thoughts to the happy, uplifting, bright part of the spectrum of your experience and away from the dark, dispiriting, draining part, you can make a positive impact on your mood. 

Get into the habit of doing this and you could make a permanent change to your default level of mental health. 

To start with, it’s harder than you think – especially if you have a tendency to think the world is populated by morons, that we’re all doomed and what’s the fucking point anyway. But it is possible to improve your default.

One technique is to imagine you’re the absolute opposite of the Daily Mail’s editor. Hopefully, this doesn’t take a huge leap of imagination. If it does, you may need professional help for anger issues, paranoia and cuntishness.

Now the next thing to do is to think of some good things that have happened to you or that you saw or heard or read about. 

Write them down if you can be arsed or just think about each memory for as long as you can. What were the colours like, the smells, how did you feel during the experience?

Do this lots and see if your mood improves – surely it can’t do any harm. Unless you start daydreaming while you’re chopping a turnip or flying a light aircraft.

To get you started, here are some things I liked this year and which I think about to make me happier than I otherwise would be. 

Growing a moustache – and people’s kindness, sponsoring the poor little ginger bastard. Also killing the little ginger bastard at the end of Movember was like taking off a pair of shoes that are a size too small after wearing them for 31 days. 

Giving blood – each time I felt a bit more connected to my fellow humans. A really good part of giving blood (as well as the salty and sweet snack selection after you’ve donated) is the text you receive a few days later telling you the hospital where your blood has been used.

Discovering Belgian chocolate options drink – at only 40 calories a cup it is a true taste sensation. I received no remuneration for this blatant plug. However if anyone from Options is reading this, I am open to receiving free samples in return for apparently natural mentions of the product in my writing. 

Voting – I absolutely love voting. I feel like crying my eyes out whenever I go to a polling station,  thinking about the sacrifices people have made on the long march to universal suffrage. And recently I’ve felt like crying my eyes out when the results have come in. But that’s going off-subject. 

Seeing three deer in a frosty field this very morning – totally unexpectedly. You can’t go wrong with deer in my view. 

Seeing any videos of any baby pandas. 

A squirrel starting to climb my leg presumably thinking it was a tree (I was wearing brown geography teacher cords) before realising its mistake and jumping off just after it had reached my knee. 

Throwing a scrumpled-up piece of paper at a bin that was quite far away – and getting it in first time. 

Eating a particularly good fried egg when I was particularly hungry. 

I could go on. They all bring a smile to my face. 

Write your own positive 2016, think about things that have gone right, then remember some more. 

Let’s see if we can look back on this year as not being that shite after all! 

How you should vote in the EU referendum

If you’re confused by the referendum that will decide Britain’s future membership of the European Union, here’s a little guide that will tell you how you should vote.

This guide cuts through the hyperbole on both sides of the argument – it doesn’t mention the threat of war or the Nazis and Hitler. It keeps to the facts, helping you to vote logically and rationally.

Your guide on how you should vote

Go to the polling station and tell the nice man or lady your name and address.

He or she will then give you a card. You should take this card into a little booth and put a cross in the box next to your favourite statement.

The question you will answer is:

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?

Here’s your choice of statements:

Remain a member of the European Union
and
Leave the European Union

Make sure you only choose one – by putting a cross in the box next to your favourite.

Then, you should put the completed card in a box. The box will probably have a slit in the top.

Once that’s done, you should say thank you and bye-bye to the nice man or lady – and leave the polling station.

Finally, once you’re outside, you should go about your day as normal.

If you’re going to be away or incapacitated, you can get a postal vote or a proxy vote. The internet has information about how you should vote in these circumstances.

And that ends my little lesson on how you should vote in the EU referendum.

PS. I’m voting remain because I’m not racist and I am rational.

And if you like a bit of satire, here’s a funny UKIP manifesto I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s scarily true to what that ‘party’ thinks.

 

The truth about a Digital Detox

At the start of the year, I decided I should make a new year’s resolution.

I’d already stopped drinking lager in vast quantities and smoking my beloved Marlboro reds years before – and I was getting twitchy.

I like giving things up, you see. Especially ones that kill you.

Having said that, there’s no way I’m ever giving up Tramadol, fizzy Ribena or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

So it seemed obvious to go cold turkey on some other serious addictions – social media and reading the news.

I’ve been obsessed with the news for over 30 years – ever since the nightly reports on the BBC from the Arbitration and Conciliation Service, ACAS. I was even a journalist for a while.

And I’m a nosy swine who likes reading about other people’s misery. And I’m a sucker for a glib, shallow inspirational quote.

Three months without my regular digital updates, am I really still alive and compos mentis (Latin for sane)?

Well yes – and no. But that’s a different blog.

So what happened?

On the positive side:

I feel less twitchy about the imminent threat of being shot dead or blown up by ISIS, or whatever the media calls them now.

I feel less angry that we have a government full of the highest class of twat imaginable.

I haven’t missed the inspirational quotes at all. Strange, that.

On the negative side:

I don’t know what several acquaintances have been eating at each meal – and in between each meal.

I’ve started obsessively looking at my bank balance, the weather forecast for 20+ locations and I’m addicted to Wikipedia’s random page generator.

I haven’t seen Donald Trump’s picture all year.

As is usual with experiments of this kind, then, a mixed bag of results. I may return to my former addictions – or I may not.

But one thing is certain: the phrase ‘digital detox’ is really annoying.

How to be happy in 8 easy steps

happy

It’s depressingly cold, a long way from summer  – and even further away lies Christmas 2016.  So how can you make yourself happier right now – in the depths of miserable winter?

Here’s a list of 8 things that are guaranteed to make you not feel worse. If they do make you feel worse, I can take no responsibility. To do so would be to make me unhappy. Read on at your own risk.

If you think I’ve missed any happiness tricks, why not share them in the comments? It’s January – face it, you’ve got nothing else to do.

  1. Keep taking your anti-depressants, booze, heroin or other drug of choice. Don’t just stop taking them because you’re skint or because you want a new start. I’m no doctor, but I can tell you you’ll feel worse if you suddenly go cold turkey without having the courtesy to inform your brain and heart.
  2. Stop thinking about the meaning of life. If you believe in god, don’t ram it down other people’s throats as they are likely to tell you to piss off – and that will make you unhappy.
  3. Do meditation. Even if it doesn’t work, it gives you an excuse to do nothing for a while – away from everyone in the house.
  4. Do yoga. Even if it doesn’t work – and you can’t do it – you can marvel at how flexible your yoga teacher is.
  5. Go for long walks in the countryside. If nothing else, you can marvel at the eccentricities of your fellow countrymen and women. Hanging bags of dogshit from tree branches is eccentric isn’t it? But if you don’t like outside don’t go on long walks. Just get settled in front of the fire.
  6. Smile. Even if it’s fake smile, it apparently makes you feel better. Just put a Twix bar sideways in your mouth and let it dissolve – that way you get twice as happy.
  7. Do new things and learn new skills. This will make time appear to go slower. On second thoughts, if you want time to go faster, do the same things again and again. That way your life will whiz by
  8. Spend time with people you like. If you detest your spouse or partner then you may want to think about a divorce. If you hate your friends, you may want to consult a psychiatrist.

Or you could check all the jokes on this site. Some of them are even funny.

Like this one:

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

And this one:

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

It’s no surprise that the jokes are the most-read part of this site.