Here are the world’s best, funniest, silliest short jokes, one-liners, puns and funny phrases. Enjoyed best with a glass of York Gin available here
Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? Because horses are rubbish at drawing.
I used to supply Filofaxes to the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said: Thanks. I said: Don’t mention it.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
What’s brown and runny?
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
The cross-eyed teacher had trouble controlling his pupils.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
A German asks for a martini.
‘Dry?’ asks the barman.
He replies: ‘Nein – just one.’
What’s small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Don’t know, but the flag’s a big plus.
Einstein’s mum: Are you happy?
I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I’ve been using hand sataniser.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
What can think the unthinkable?
I just got hit by a rented car.
I played triangle in a reggae band but left – it was just one ting after another.
‘I love snow. Actually, I hate snow.’
– Bi-polar bear
It’s a disgrace that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.
Say what you want about deaf people …
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work.
Legal fetishist gets off on a technicality.
I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it struck me.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Drugs don’t kill people – people who run out of drugs kill people.
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting – but all the seats were taken.
Roman: A martinus please.
Barman: You mean a martini?
Roman: If I’d wanted a double, I’d’ve asked for one.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
A man said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
‘Describe yourself in three words. Lazy.
I wonder what ‘DON’T TOUCH’ is in Braille.
I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ mean the same thing – unless you’re at a funeral.
Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.
‘This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.’
Velcro – what a rip-off.
My dyslexia has just hit a new owl.
Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.
‘I stand corrected,’ said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.
My dad’s started p*ssing with the door open.
Which is a bit inconvenient when I’m driving him home.
My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
What Iran needs now is a more modern, moderate leader – a Mullah Lite.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star?
He died by choking on his own Vimto.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
It’s difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs – they’re always taking things literally.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Masochist: ‘Hurt me.’ Sadist: ‘No.’
Make the little things count – teach maths to midgets.
Preparation H is pretty good – on the hole.
Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels.
Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
Change is inevitable – except from vending machines.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Wife: What’s on the telly?
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
A woman asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The dentist said: ‘Say Ahhh.’
I said: ‘Why?’
He said: ‘My dog’s died.’
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies: ‘No, I’m travelling light.’
Jesus goes into a hotel.
He hands the receptionist three nails and says: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’
I want to die like dad – peacefully in my sleep.
Not like mum – screaming in terror in the passenger seat.
I called my lawyer and said: ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said: ‘Of course. What’s the second question?’
My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.
I asked the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t do Tuesdays.’
The past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
I took the wife’s family out for tea and biscuits.
They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Pavlov is sitting at a bar when his phone rings.
He exclaims: ‘Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.’