Tag Archives: funny

Do the British really care about Brexit? Yawns speak louder than abusive tweets

Leave supporters are threatening to kill, rape and castrate anyone they accuse of trying to stop Brexit. (I made the castrate bit up on the grounds that Twitter users should be less sexist.)

But is this sort of thing really British?Do the British really care about leaving or staying in the EU? And does anyone understand – or even want to understand – what’s going on? 

The British are supposed to embody the virtues of tolerance, fair play and respect for the other side. But that’s wrong – the myth was made up in the 18th and 19th centuries as a cover for racist imperialism.

Actually, the virtues of the average Briton are inertia, ignorance and apathy.

The British have better things to do than trying to understand complicated issues – preferring instead to watch Strictly, beg on the streets or write racist and homophobic tweets, depending on their socio-economic status, attitude to ballroom dancing and levels of bigotry.

Because of this horror of anything complicated or nuanced, their opinions are created by the ‘newspaper’ they read. Here are some examples:

Express readers obsess about the weather, Princess Diana and wanting to get their country back. 

Daily Mail readers are disgusted by sodomy, immigrants living in lavish houses and the arrogance of gay high court judges who dare to uphold the principle of parliamentary sovereignty and the rule of law. 

Sun readers are experts on breasts, the sex lives of the stars and foreigners coming over here, taking our jobs and raping our women. 

Except the British aren’t actually that bothered about any of these ‘issues’. Not really. Not if you asked them to be honest – except for the breasts. Sun readers love page three.

So what do the British really care about?

Smartphones

Dogs and cats

Football

Cars – especially Clarkson

Hair styles and dyes 

Beauty – especially nails and eyebrows

Christmas

Sleep

Rollercoasters

Tattoos

House prices

Having sex in budget hotels

The bloody weather

Shopping

Celebrities shagging each other

EastEnders and Corrie

Greggs

Strictly Come Dancing

Bank holidays – wanting more

Traffic jams – wanting fewer

Celebrity paedophiles

Holidays in the sun

Getting pissed 

Debt

Jacuzzis 

Speed cameras

Facial hair

Weed

Sexy fancy dress

Writing abusive tweets or facebook posts – threatening to kill, rape (or, hopefully in a less sexist future, castrate) people they don’t like.

‘Political issues’ – and the EU is one of the more arcane – come about 158th on this list of priorities for the British, just behind ‘creosoting the fence’ and just above ‘the Royal Family’.

I’m off for a nap. 

Advertisements

The EU, the judges and the right-wing press. What’s wrong with this country?

The government needs parliament’s agreement before we start the process of leaving the EU. 
So the high court has decided. 

Now here’s the boring theory bit:

We live in a parliamentary democracy underpinned by the rule of law. 

This means ‘we, the people’ can’t be bothered with ‘the issues’. We elect MPs to worry about them for us – so we can go shopping or watch the football. 

We also have Lords and Ladies who worry about issues too – but they’re not democratically elected. 

Oops. 

And the rule of law has stood us in pretty good stead since arbitrary killing, maiming and stealing were limited after some particularly bloodthirsty king went too far with his dastardly deeds. 

The judges decide what the law says. And the judges are independent – so they can’t be bribed or beheaded. 

So much for the theory.

In practice, the right-wing newspapers think they would run the country best – and their amazing ideas include bringing back hanging, erecting statues of Margaret Thatcher in every town and city and undermining the rule of law. 

So, after the decision by the high court, these newspapers screamed that the judges are ‘enemies of the people’, claimed democracy has died and basically said the country hasn’t been in such a state since the Black Death.

I know the people who run these papers are very rich and get very angry when they don’t get their own way or when people disagree with them. Still, they should believe in free speech, shouldn’t they? So here’s an alternative view.

Some things that are wrong with this country 

Too much dog shit on the pavements 

People using their mobiles while driving 

Loads of people having to sleeping rough

Parents at children’s football games getting far too angry

People having to go to food banks so they don’t starve to death

The Daily Mail, The Sun and The Express being allowed to print hate-filled articles full of factual inaccuracies that encourage bigotry and prejudice

Kale

Special Brew

Some things that aren’t wrong with this country

The Yorkshire Dales

Test Match Special

An independent judiciary upholding the rule of law.

The truth about a Digital Detox

At the start of the year, I decided I should make a new year’s resolution.

I’d already stopped drinking lager in vast quantities and smoking my beloved Marlboro reds years before – and I was getting twitchy.

I like giving things up, you see. Especially ones that kill you.

Having said that, there’s no way I’m ever giving up Tramadol, fizzy Ribena or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

So it seemed obvious to go cold turkey on some other serious addictions – social media and reading the news.

I’ve been obsessed with the news for over 30 years – ever since the nightly reports on the BBC from the Arbitration and Conciliation Service, ACAS. I was even a journalist for a while.

And I’m a nosy swine who likes reading about other people’s misery. And I’m a sucker for a glib, shallow inspirational quote.

Three months without my regular digital updates, am I really still alive and compos mentis (Latin for sane)?

Well yes – and no. But that’s a different blog.

So what happened?

On the positive side:

I feel less twitchy about the imminent threat of being shot dead or blown up by ISIS, or whatever the media calls them now.

I feel less angry that we have a government full of the highest class of twat imaginable.

I haven’t missed the inspirational quotes at all. Strange, that.

On the negative side:

I don’t know what several acquaintances have been eating at each meal – and in between each meal.

I’ve started obsessively looking at my bank balance, the weather forecast for 20+ locations and I’m addicted to Wikipedia’s random page generator.

I haven’t seen Donald Trump’s picture all year.

As is usual with experiments of this kind, then, a mixed bag of results. I may return to my former addictions – or I may not.

But one thing is certain: the phrase ‘digital detox’ is really annoying.

How to be happy in 8 easy steps

happy

It’s depressingly cold, a long way from summer  – and even further away lies Christmas 2016.  So how can you make yourself happier right now – in the depths of miserable winter?

Here’s a list of 8 things that are guaranteed to make you not feel worse. If they do make you feel worse, I can take no responsibility. To do so would be to make me unhappy. Read on at your own risk.

If you think I’ve missed any happiness tricks, why not share them in the comments? It’s January – face it, you’ve got nothing else to do.

  1. Keep taking your anti-depressants, booze, heroin or other drug of choice. Don’t just stop taking them because you’re skint or because you want a new start. I’m no doctor, but I can tell you you’ll feel worse if you suddenly go cold turkey without having the courtesy to inform your brain and heart.
  2. Stop thinking about the meaning of life. If you believe in god, don’t ram it down other people’s throats as they are likely to tell you to piss off – and that will make you unhappy.
  3. Do meditation. Even if it doesn’t work, it gives you an excuse to do nothing for a while – away from everyone in the house.
  4. Do yoga. Even if it doesn’t work – and you can’t do it – you can marvel at how flexible your yoga teacher is.
  5. Go for long walks in the countryside. If nothing else, you can marvel at the eccentricities of your fellow countrymen and women. Hanging bags of dogshit from tree branches is eccentric isn’t it? But if you don’t like outside don’t go on long walks. Just get settled in front of the fire.
  6. Smile. Even if it’s fake smile, it apparently makes you feel better. Just put a Twix bar sideways in your mouth and let it dissolve – that way you get twice as happy.
  7. Do new things and learn new skills. This will make time appear to go slower. On second thoughts, if you want time to go faster, do the same things again and again. That way your life will whiz by
  8. Spend time with people you like. If you detest your spouse or partner then you may want to think about a divorce. If you hate your friends, you may want to consult a psychiatrist.

Or you could check all the jokes on this site. Some of them are even funny.

Like this one:

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

And this one:

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

It’s no surprise that the jokes are the most-read part of this site.

5 reasons to avoid New Year’s resolutions

Rab-C-Nesbitt

New Year – same old you.

Here are five reasons to be happy with yourself – no matter your size and dangerous lifestyle habits. You don’t need a new year’s resolution.  You’re perfect as you are.

1. Don’t go on a diet

They don’t work. You go through torture, then you put all the weight back on.
Anyway fat is the new black – you can be a pop star if you’re fat (Adele), you can be a major show host if you’re fat (James Corden) and the government won’t even impose a sugar tax. If ‘Fat Dave’ Cameron is happy with a fat nation, why shouldn’t you be?

2. Don’t try to get fit

Running is dangerous – you pull muscles, destroy joints and may even break your ankles. And there’s always the chance of being run over by drunk drivers.
Meanwhile, gyms are full of smelly narcissists staring at their muscles in the mirrors and making grunting noises. Much better to stay at home watching the telly with a box of chocolates (see 1).

3. Don’t try to learn a new language.

The rest of the world speaks English – many countries whose first language isn’t even English speak it better than us. All of Scandinavia, the Low Countries and Germany, for example. Do something more enjoyable than an evening class. Go to the pub and keep the economy going – see 4.

4. Don’t try to cut down on your drinking.
Think of all the infant craft beer, artisan gin and bespoke bars that are dependant on your continuing alcoholism. Even if your liver is feeling it a bit after Christmas, you owe it to the entrepreneurs who’ve bothered to improve the taste of the nation’s booze to keep your units dangerously high.

5. Don’t try to stop smoking.
It’s worse than heroin cold turkey. Unless you want to lose all your friends, your romantic relationship(s) and your job, don’t even go there.

Happy New Year.

The world’s best, funniest, most hilarious cheese jokes of all time

Say cheese! There – you’re already smiling.

During my research I’ve sliced out the cheesiest jokes – so you only get the grate ones. Whey to go!

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.
I thought: ‘That’s not very mature.’

Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree? No, but an applewood.

What cheese is very succinct?
Brie-f.

What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
It’s nacho day.

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi.

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?
Because the roquefort back.

What’s the world’s most annoying cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de-Brie.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Which hotel do mice stay in?
The Stilton.

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.

What’s a Christian’s favourite snack.
Little baby cheeses.

Why do the cheese family go to Blackpool for their holidays?
Because they love the hallouminations.

Armageddon Cheese. Best before end.

 

Want some more jokes? Here are the best short jokes and one liners of all time

And here are the best Christmas and Easter jokes around.

Feel free to add any I’ve missed in the comments – you’d be crackers not to.

7 reasons why MPs deserve a 10 per cent pay rise

 

Controversial headline followed by a contradictory introduction. Please forgive me – politics makes me nervous and when I’m nervous I fall back on tried and tested methods of producing clickbait and encouraging readers’ outrage.

‘You don’t see an underfed MP’

Although MPs aren’t allowed to pay for duck islands on expenses any more, they still have a very, very, very cushy time.

Their free or heavily subsidised bars, restaurants, first class rail travel, accommodation and embossed writing paper are just the tip of an iceberg of freebies. MPs could spend their entire lives at receptions, dinners, parties, dinner parties, conferences, openings and meetings where nice food and good drink is always in generous, complimentary supply. You never see a knowingly underfed MP.

MPs are also allowed to do other jobs on top of their £74,000 (they’re getting a much-needed 10% rise, you know.) And by ‘other jobs’ I don’t mean stacking shelves at Aldi. I mean ‘consultancy’ jobs that pay £200+ an hour.

You don’t see an underfed MP. And you rarely come across an MP who isn’t financially ‘comfortable’. If they’re not minted, it’s usually because they’re being blackmailed, have a gambling problem, a drug addiction or particularly expensive tastes in prostitutes. Unsurprisingly, the MPs with all four of these attributes are particularly keen on ‘consultancy’ work.

Many ex-MPs are given a seat in the House of Lords – as long as they haven’t done something dreadful like having sex with children. Actually, some of its members have had sex with children, and continue to hold the ‘Noble Lord’ title. As Jim Royle would say: ‘Noble Lord my Arse.’

The Lords get £300 a day just for clocking in – they don’t actually have to do anything except turn up. Not a bad post-career gig, especially when you’ve got your gold-plated MP’s pension to live on as well.

An MP’s lot is not a happy one

But despite all this – if you look closely at the face of any experienced British MP – you’ll see they’re deeply troubled.

True, in many cases this is because the police are investigating unspeakable sex crimes, being rude to officers on the beat or perverting the course of justice (the three most popular crimes among our elected representatives).
But they are also deeply sad because of the very nature of the modern MP’s job.

An Oxford connection

I know – I worked for two MPs during a misspent youth thinking politics was a worthwhile thing to do.
I even went to a posh university to study the subject for two years.
My tutor – the improbably named and inveterately angry Vernon Bogdanor – also taught politics to David Cameron.
‘Nothing to brag about there then,’ you may say.
‘I wasn’t bragging. Just name-dropping – a subtle but important distinction in Oxford,’ I could respond.

Reasons to be miserable 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

So, here are seven reasons why being an MP in 2015 is a recipe for making you sad – and why despite despising our MPs, we should grant them their 10%. Good luck to them. They need it.

1. You have to knock on strangers’ doors during elections – and are usually greeted with less enthusiasm than a Jehovah’s Witness double glazing salesman who’s trodden dog shit up the householder’s path. On one occasion during my dabble in the political world, one of my fellow canvassers had his hand badly bitten by a dog called Vince – obviously brought up to loathe anyone who wasn’t BNP/UKIP.

2. You have to deal with the tediously obsessed, the lonely, the bored and the frankly insane. And it’s not just your fellow MPs and members of your party who cause you pain. An MP’s office is to obsessive mad people what a freshly laid lump of dog shit is to flies. And even if you spend most of the week in Westminster you still have to come back during the recesses and at weekends. And remember – these obsessives don’t have anything else to do apart from obsessing about their obsessions. Whether that’s the ‘injustice’ of their convictions, the ‘injustice’ of the judge revoking custody of their children or the ‘injustice’ of their next door neighbours owning a pet cat. Once they think you can help them (you can’t) they remain a deep and permanent pain in the arse for the entire span of your parliamentary career.

3. You have to argue all the time. You’re actually paid to be argumentative, obstructive and obnoxious – and you spend your time rehearsing the same tired arguments with people you instinctively hate from the other political parties – in TV and radio studios, at literary festivals and sometimes even on the floor of the House of Commons. Arguing – as anyone who has lived in a house where people hate each other – is intrinsically stressful. An MP is a professional arguer and therefore professionally and constantly stressed out.

4. Even though it’s your job to argue and make important political points, you’re not allowed to use your own lines of argument. Rather, party central command provides the slogans, phrases and statistics you must use if you are to be considered ‘loyal’. Staying ‘on message’ is far more important in modern politics than the ability to think or to have independent opinions. And the slogans must be intelligible to the average Sun reader.

  • We have a long-term economic plan.
  • A better plan for a better future.
  • Hard-working families deserve better.
  • We will govern for the many, not the few.

Are you asleep yet? I admit to nodding off after the first ‘plan’.

5. The modern MP has to tweet, update Facebook and keep the Instagram feed going. These updates must include a rubbish pictures of the MP with the most annoying obsessives in the constituency – with falsely positive captions like:

“Humbled by Arthur Pervis’ 46 years campaigning to get an oak tree planted on the roundabout near Tescos. Keep up the pressure, Art!”

No wonder MPs inadvertently post images of their naked genitalia on their parliamentary Twitter feed rather than on their personal Grindr page.

6. And even if you’re really good at your job – toeing the party line, keeping your constituency nutters happy, not posting pictures of your bell end on the internet and not stealing public money or having sex with children, you may still languish on the backbenches with no prospect of advancement.
Because promotion in politics is all about whether you can do seven-second soundbites.
People who enjoy talking in soundbites cluster in certain professions – marketing, sales, PR, the law and the media – silver-tongues crooks.

If you’re not one of them, you don’t stand a chance.

7. And finally. If you’re really successful as an MP and become Prime Minister, you end up on several Hit Lists. And it’s not just harmless lunatics who fantasise about killing you – it’s actual sadistic lunatics in ISIS and other terrorist organisations who may well actually kill you. And they’ll want to kill you even after you’ve retired or been thrown out of office. So you spend the rest of your life surrounded by secret service agents, wondering if a sniper is going to put a bullet through your head.

MPs – they’re vain, self-satisfied and sitting in First Class. But they’re not happy. Let them have their 10% – and breathe a sigh of relief you’re not one of them.

If this has depressed you, why not try my short jokes lists:

The best short jokes ever

The best cheese jokes in the world

The world’s best Xmas jokes