Tag Archives: Conservative Party

7 ways to survive Trump and May’s transatlantic disaster

There’s no doubt that the UK and the US have entered a new era of arrogant stupidity. 

Of course we’ve been here before. Our countries have been responsible for genocide and imperialism on a truly horrific scale. We’ve invaded countries, killed native peoples at will, destroyed cultures, enslaved populations. You name a crime against humanity  our countries are guilty of it. 

And yet we still have this idea that we safeguard basic human rights and dignity.

We can’t even make sure all our own citizens have a roof over their heads, we can’t even treat our all citizens with dignity when they’re ill and we can’t even make our trains run on time.

But these are other stories. 

Here’s your guide to surviving the next few years – until this brand of moronic conservatism blows itself out, hopefully not taking the rest of humankind with it. Choose the ones that make sense for you. 

1. If you don’t have one already, get a cat and/or a dog. They don’t give a shit about politics. And they let you stroke them. They also have nicer breath than either Trump or May. 

2. Don’t start writing angry tweets about politics – you’ll just get angrier and angrier until your head explodes. And if that happens you won’t have survived the Trump-May years when they thankfully come to an end.

3. Do lots of small acts of kindness – both to yourself and to others. This could include masturbating when you would normally be cleaning the oven, or checking if old Mrs Smith at number 15 needs any shopping. Note: don’t get these mixed up and offer to get the shopping for your oven or …

4. Learn some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, smoking vast quantities of weed and taking benzodiazepines regularly. 

5. Take up a new hobby like gardening (so you can grow your own weed), chemistry (so you can create your own synthetic drugs) or tightrope walking (as a metaphor for your mental health).

6. Get addicted to heroin and/or crack so you spend less time worrying about the future of the world, homelessness, public health catastrophes, etc – and more energy wondering where your next hit is coming from. 

7. Inherit lots of money. Give most of it away to people who are much worse off than you are. And spend the rest emigrating to somewhere more sane, like Canada or Iceland. 

Good luck!

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UKIP European elections memo leak: you wouldn’t believe what they’re saying

by Simon Henry @simlington

The European elections are nearly upon us.

And you can almost hear the collective sigh of apathy and creak of joints, as voters bend down to pick up their voting cards from their doormats – and then put them in the recycling.

Luckily an ‘interesting’ document has been leaked from one of the more controversial parties. We believe it is from UKIP. It’s definitely not from the Greens.

What follows is a canvassers’ crib sheet – to help them get their message across to voters. Coincidentally, it’s in A-Z format – one we’ve seen before on this blog. The Office Jargon A-Z is particularly popular.


 

UKIP Canvassers’ A-Z: Strictly confidential

A. Africans. We respect some of their leading citizens – such as Nelson Mandela and Oscar Pistorius. But notice they stay in their own country. Proves we’re not racialist.

B. Beer. If we stay in Europe we will be drinking litres of Stella and San Miguel – not pints of our finest best bitters. Fact.

C. Conservatives. Lady Thatcher would vote for us – not them – if she was alive today. God Bless Her.

D. ‘Up yours, Delors’. If it’s good enough for The Sun it’s good enough for us. Short  enough to remember too.

E. Europe. How can we be in Europe? There’s a great big bloody sea between us!

F. French. Just remind voters the French are pillocks. They know this already.

G. Guardian. If you see a copy of this ‘newspaper’ on the premises, don’t bother.

H. Hospitals. The NHS should now be called the IHS – International Health Service. We like this one. Clever, isn’t it?

I. Indians. Don’t say P***s. Unless the householder has a UKIP poster and/or Union flag/flag of St George in his garden.

J. Jamaicans. Jamaicans are the world’s best sprinters – away from a hard day’s work. This isn’t racialist. It’s a fact they’re fast runners.

K. Knife crime. The English way is with fists and broken bottles/glass – not knives. That’s the foreign way.

L. Lesbians. Acceptable as legal pornography used by couples in stable relationships. This shows we are not against all gays.

M. Milliband. His dad was a Jewish immigrant who hated Britain. This is a fact  – it was in the Daily Mail.

N. Call them Nigerians unless you’re absolutely 100% sure you’re not being secretly taped or bugged.

O. Orientals. We’re in favour of limited immigration of these. Chinese is the official take-away for the party. Have Thai if Chinese is a bit greasy for your taste.

P. Pakistanis. Don’t call them P***s. See advice about Indians.

Q. Queers. You don’t have to be a genius to realise last year’s floods were caused by Cameron’s queer-loving laws. Doh!

R. Royal Family. If Europe has its way they’ll ban it. We’re not joking. They will ban our Royal Family. 100%.

S. Statistics. 26 million unemployed in Europe and they all want your job. This is the only official statistic to be used on the doorstep.

T. Telly. Europe wants to ban our soaps, Britain’s Got Talent and Ant & Dec. Fact.

U. ‘Up yours, Delors.’ So good we wrote it twice.

V. Victory. We bloody won the Second World War!

W. Waste of space. Waste of time. This is how we officially describe Europe.

X. Xenophobic. If someone calls you this, they probably read the Guardian. See G.

Y. Yachts. What your hard-earned money buys for Eurocrats. Fact.

Z. Zulu. Less risky than using the N word. Still best to make sure you’re not being bugged.


Wow!

This is my first attempt on this blog at satire. I hope it wasn’t too much of a disaster. Feel free to develop the idea if you think you can improve it, but please try to give simlington.com a nod.

If you like this, I hope you’ll like more of my writing. Perhaps some of my musings about Mindfulness and Happiness may come in handy after reading this!

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And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter for more attempts to make you smile, laugh, giggle and even possibly wet yourself.

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014