Tag Archives: comedy

Best short gin jokes, puns and quotes – let the fun be-gin

Too much gin can make you tearful – so here’s an antidote. Some lovely gin jokes and one-liners to read and share while you’re enjoying an ice cold G&T.

Brought to you by York Gin

Don’t cry over spilt milk – it could have been gin.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a gin.

What’s the sophisticated drinker’s favourite Xmas carol?

Gin-gle bells, gin-gle bells ….

“Trust me you can dance.”

⁃ Gin

When life gives you lemons (or limes) make a gin and tonic.

Save water – drink gin.

A gin and tonic has 91 calories.

A banana has 115 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

A yawn is a silent scream for gin.

I want someone to look at me the same way I look at gin.

Gin and bear it.

Good friends offer advice. Real friends offer gin.

Let the games be gin.

Exercise. Walking round the house looking for my glass of gin.

I didn’t text you. Gin did.

Gym? I thought you said gin!

Sometimes I have a bath because it’s difficult to drink gin in the shower.

Of all the gin joins in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

If you can’t remember my name just say ‘Gin’ and I’ll turn around.

I love you slightly less than gin.

Gin lovers are better lovers.

I make gin disappear. What’s your superpower?

Education is important.

But gin is importanter.

Gin – because everyone needs a hobby.

Let the good times be-gin.

Size does matter. No-one wants a small gin and tonic.

A day without gin is like … I have no idea.

A woman goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac in her bag.

She says: ‘A large gin and tonic please. And one for the road.’

You should have a warm heart and a cold gin and tonic.

Brought to you by York Gin

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How you should vote in the EU referendum

If you’re confused by the referendum that will decide Britain’s future membership of the European Union, here’s a little guide that will tell you how you should vote.

This guide cuts through the hyperbole on both sides of the argument – it doesn’t mention the threat of war or the Nazis and Hitler. It keeps to the facts, helping you to vote logically and rationally.

Your guide on how you should vote

Go to the polling station and tell the nice man or lady your name and address.

He or she will then give you a card. You should take this card into a little booth and put a cross in the box next to your favourite statement.

The question you will answer is:

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?

Here’s your choice of statements:

Remain a member of the European Union
and
Leave the European Union

Make sure you only choose one – by putting a cross in the box next to your favourite.

Then, you should put the completed card in a box. The box will probably have a slit in the top.

Once that’s done, you should say thank you and bye-bye to the nice man or lady – and leave the polling station.

Finally, once you’re outside, you should go about your day as normal.

If you’re going to be away or incapacitated, you can get a postal vote or a proxy vote. The internet has information about how you should vote in these circumstances.

And that ends my little lesson on how you should vote in the EU referendum.

PS. I’m voting remain because I’m not racist and I am rational.

And if you like a bit of satire, here’s a funny UKIP manifesto I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s scarily true to what that ‘party’ thinks.

 

The truth about a Digital Detox

At the start of the year, I decided I should make a new year’s resolution.

I’d already stopped drinking lager in vast quantities and smoking my beloved Marlboro reds years before – and I was getting twitchy.

I like giving things up, you see. Especially ones that kill you.

Having said that, there’s no way I’m ever giving up Tramadol, fizzy Ribena or Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

So it seemed obvious to go cold turkey on some other serious addictions – social media and reading the news.

I’ve been obsessed with the news for over 30 years – ever since the nightly reports on the BBC from the Arbitration and Conciliation Service, ACAS. I was even a journalist for a while.

And I’m a nosy swine who likes reading about other people’s misery. And I’m a sucker for a glib, shallow inspirational quote.

Three months without my regular digital updates, am I really still alive and compos mentis (Latin for sane)?

Well yes – and no. But that’s a different blog.

So what happened?

On the positive side:

I feel less twitchy about the imminent threat of being shot dead or blown up by ISIS, or whatever the media calls them now.

I feel less angry that we have a government full of the highest class of twat imaginable.

I haven’t missed the inspirational quotes at all. Strange, that.

On the negative side:

I don’t know what several acquaintances have been eating at each meal – and in between each meal.

I’ve started obsessively looking at my bank balance, the weather forecast for 20+ locations and I’m addicted to Wikipedia’s random page generator.

I haven’t seen Donald Trump’s picture all year.

As is usual with experiments of this kind, then, a mixed bag of results. I may return to my former addictions – or I may not.

But one thing is certain: the phrase ‘digital detox’ is really annoying.

The world’s best, funniest, most hilarious cheese jokes of all time

Say cheese! There – you’re already smiling.

During my research I’ve sliced out the cheesiest jokes – so you only get the grate ones. Whey to go!

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.
I thought: ‘That’s not very mature.’

Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree? No, but an applewood.

What cheese is very succinct?
Brie-f.

What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
It’s nacho day.

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi.

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?
Because the roquefort back.

What’s the world’s most annoying cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de-Brie.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Which hotel do mice stay in?
The Stilton.

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.

What’s a Christian’s favourite snack.
Little baby cheeses.

Why do the cheese family go to Blackpool for their holidays?
Because they love the hallouminations.

Armageddon Cheese. Best before end.

 

Want some more jokes? Here are the best short jokes and one liners of all time

And here are the best Christmas and Easter jokes around.

Feel free to add any I’ve missed in the comments – you’d be crackers not to.

Best short Christmas jokes, puns, quotes and funny Xmas one liners

Here are the best, funniest and silliest Xmas jokes, puns, one-liners and quotes ever written.
I hope some of them make you laugh. They’re my present to you all.
Happy Christmas everyone!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

How do Spanish sheep say ‘Happy Christmas’?
Fleece Navidad.

The Three Wise Men sound very generous but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.

Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I’ve got my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.

Mary: Why won’t you put the rubbish out?
Joseph: It’s Christmas – there’s no room in the bin.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.

We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.

What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Why is Santa’s sack so full?
He only comes once a year.

What’s a skunk’s favourite Christmas song?
Jingle Smells.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

Which of all Santa’s elves is the rudest?
Gofuckyourself

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What’s a lion’s favourite carol?
Jungle Bells.

How can you tell when Santa’s close by?
You can sense his presents.

What’s a sophisticated drinker’s favourite Christmas carol?

Gin-gle Bells (courtesy of York Gin)

More gin jokes here >

What’s the best Xmas present?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.

I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note saying: ‘Toys not included’.

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.

The worst thing about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.

Why did Santa’s little helpers choose the outside table at the restaurant?
They wanted to eat elfresco.

What do you call a lobster who won’t share any of his Xmas presents?
Shellfish.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues.

What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs.

We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas so we gave the budgie chest expanders.

We’ve invited the mother-in-law round for Christmas for the last eight years.
This year, we might even let her in.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
He had low elf esteem.

Ant puts up Christmas decorations in the living room. Dec, the halls.

Marks & Spencer say it wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.
They’re right – it’d be Chrita.

‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’

Christmas is rubbish. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

A Jehovah’s Witness gave me an advent calendar.
The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Be careful drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk one year, I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar. Or, as you like to call it, a delicatessen.

What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?
A Santa clause.

What goes ‘Oh! Oh! Oh?’
Santa walking backwards.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper.

Here are the most offensive Christmas jokes

Here’s why you don’t need booze, presents or Christ to have a great Christmas

Here are the Top 10 minor Christmas injuries you may suffer this festive time of year.

Here’s why you shouldn’t bother making any New Year’s resolutions

Here are the best short jokes of all time, the best Easter jokes and here are the best cheese jokes everIf you’ve made it so far, you deserve a Christmas drink.

Zen and the art of moustache maintenance: 6 ways to keep calm in Movember

The third trimester of Movember approaches apace: moustaches across the world are turning reasonable-looking men into creeps.

And another Movember-based blog is written by an itchy participant.

Growing a moustache for a whole month poses more physical and psychological dangers than you may think. (The actual number of dangers is six – as I wrote earlier in Movember.)

To counter these apparent dangers, I offer a helpful – and spiritual – guide to moustache growing.

As many of my loyal readers know, I’m a fan of the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness meditation.

This is a useful practice to help maintain a healthy level of sanity and calm. You basically just try (and keep failing) to concentrate on your breath as you sit quietly.

Now, there are several attitudes that underpin the practice of mindfulness meditation.

And, strangely enough, you can use these attitudes to help you relish the third trimester of Movember.

Here’s how:

1. Non-judging
It’s easy to fall into the trap of judging your moustache. Comments such as these are common during Movember:

‘It has major gaps in it that mean I look like a freak.’

‘It’s really ginger – and my hair has never been ginger. How unfair is that?’
‘It makes me look like someone on the Sex Offenders’ Register.’

Much better not to look in the mirror, so you’re not tempted to complain about your appearance during the month.

2. Patience
Growing a moustache doesn’t happen overnight – it’s not like a Botox jab or teeth-whitening procedure.
In fact for most of us, nothing really grows for some time.
If you didn’t practise patience you could become annoyed with people constantly asking:
‘I thought you were doing Movember this year.’

3. Trust

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Trusting that your partner won’t finish your relationship on the grounds that you look like you’re on the Sex Offenders’ Register is vital if you’re going to relax into Movember.

4. Non-striving
Dousing hair-growing lotion on your top lip does not speed growth. Don’t strive for this result.

5. Acceptance
Accepting whatever grows – or doesn’t grow – is your only option during Movember, unless you want to invest in a top lip toupee. You know the right answer here.

6. Letting go

Einstein kept his moustache after the end of Movember. You don't have to.

Einstein kept his moustache after the end of Movember. You don’t have to.

And when you reach midnight on 30 November, you can watch the bristles disappear down the plug-hole without an ounce of regret.

Feeling all relaxed and in tune with humanity now?  You can sponsor my moustache here. Thank you!

You can get an email alert whenever I publish a new post. If you’re on a mobile you can sign up below. If you’re on a computer, sign up at the top right-hand of the page.

And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter
Copyright simlington 2014

 

Movember: Six hidden dangers of growing a moustache

By Simon Henry @simlington

Growing a moustache is seen as a fun and stress-free way to raise funds for charity.
Certainly, it seems easier than running a marathon, giving up alcohol or cycling round the world.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Growing a moustache is fraught with dangers – both physical and psychological.

If you haven’t sponsored a Movember moustache on the grounds that this activity doesn’t involve enough danger or torture on the part of the fundraiser, perhaps this will make you think again.

The real and present dangers of growing a moustache

1. Appalling physical side effects

An artist's impression of a head louse and a pubic louse. The pubic one can grow in your moustache.

An artist’s impression of a head louse and a pubic louse. The pubic one can grow in your moustache.

The following quote from GP Dr Bram Brons of HealthExpress.co.uk about the danger of growing facial hair is probably enough to turn your stomach.

‘One of the biggest disadvantages is pubic lice – also known as crabs – that can live in (facial hair).
‘If you don’t care for it, it will begin to smell in a similar way to a sweaty and unwashed armpit.
‘The smell can be a sign that bacteria are living in the (facial hair), and they could eventually cause a number of ailments.’

Pass the shampoo! Quick.

2. Comparisons to horrible moustache wearers

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Think of the horrendous people in history and politics who’ve sported moustaches.
How would you like to be compared to Stalin, Hitler, Saddam, Peter Mandelson or George Galloway?

3. High moral expectations

Other (more admired) people in history have also worn moustaches. This group of do-gooders includes Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Mother Teresa.

4. Expectations you have a good sense of humour

Others have used the moustache as a comedy prop – Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx, Borat, Peter Mandelson, George Galloway and Mother Teresa have used it to ridiculous effect.

5. Expectations you’re good at sport

Eddie Edwards competed in the Frozen Moustache Event at the Winter Olympics .

Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards competed in the Frozen Moustache event at the Winter Olympics. He came last.

Over the last 30 years, several skilled sportsmen have worn a moustache – these include the hard-drinking Australian cricketers David Boon and Merv Hughes, almost the entire Liverpool FC team in the early to mid-80s and Nigel Mansell.

Being expected to tell jokes and walk funny while doing flick-ups, driving quickly and preaching peace and charity is too much for any normal person to bear.

6. A moustache isn’t a beard

And the worst thing about it is that it’s just not a beard.

Some research somewhere shows that beards make the wearer look more attractive than the clean-shaven cove – especially if the person has lots of acne on their chin and cheeks.

Having a moustache just makes you look creepy.

Want to sponsor my ginger moustache?