Category Archives: Religion

The best offensive, controversial and awkward Christmas jokes

Here are some festive jokes that are ruder, more anti-religious and have more sexual content than your average Xmas gags. Ho, ho, ho!

At Christmas, I remember closing my eyes and waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left …

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

– Eat, drink and be Mary.

When did George Michael die?

– Last Christmas.

Christmas is rubbish.

– Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

Why does Santa go in through the chimney?

– Because Mrs Claus said he’d never get in through the back door.

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

– Santa stopped at three hoes.

Last night, Father Christmas emptied his sack in our room – which is why I’m leaving your mother.

Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and asks the receptionist: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Why are priests like Christmas trees?

– Their little balls are just for decoration.

Here are less offensive – but probably funnier – short Xmas jokes

And here’s how to get excommunicated from the Catholic Church

Merry Christmas again.

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The best, funniest, most hilarious Easter jokes ever

To celebrate Easter, here are some of the funniest short Easter jokes ever. It includes Easter puns, Easter one-liners and even rude Easter jokes.
What do you call a group of bunnies marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

What do you call a duck that just doesn’t fit in? 
Mallardjusted.
 
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.
 
How are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply really quickly. 
 
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.

Son: Daddy, where’s mummy?
Dad: She’s with Jesus now.
Son: What – she’s dead?
Dad: No, she ran off with a Mexican waiter.
 
What do you get if the rabbit warren air conditioning stops working during a heatwave?
Hot, cross bunnies.

What’s the best philosophy for Easter? 
Eggsistentialism. 
 
How did Jesus feel about being crucified?
Cross.
 
Jesus walks up to a hotel receptionist, hands over three nails and asks: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Here are the best short jokes of all time.
And topically enough Here’s how you can get excommunicated from the Catholic church – by email!

Excommunication from the Catholic Church by email: A simple and fun guide for atheists

Exactly one year ago, I was formally excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

The process involved no torture, no incense and no Latin recitations.

I just had to send an email outlining my contention that the central teachings of Catholicism were bollocks – and within a few days I was out.

There was no Inquisition-style hanging by the wrists with weights suspended from the ankles, no rack, no foot roasting and no water torture.

Nor did I face the upsetting prospect of being burned at the stake – as may have been my fate in Reformation England, depending on which despot was on the throne at the time.

What a relief, then, to live at a time when – and in a place where – I can say religion is garbage …

… and the worst that happens to me is I get a rather gentle email telling me I’m a heretic and apostate – with kind regards attached at the bottom from someone called Bryan.

Why I wanted to get excommunicated

I was baptised by a drunk Catholic priest in 1970.

At that point – aged zero – I wasn’t really in a position to argue (not being able to speak) or escape from the font (as I hadn’t yet learned to use my legs).

Luckily the pie-eyed priest didn’t drop me.

Being told you're Catholic is like being told your a Cliff Richard fan. Unworkable in the long run.

Being told you’re Catholic is like being told you’re a Cliff Richard fan. Unworkable in the long run.

By the time I learned to think for myself, being told I was a Catholic was like being told I was a Manchester United supporter, or a fan of Cliff Richard’s songs.

Not really my cup of tea.

But I let my nominal membership lie until I read an article in which the church bragged about its ‘billion-plus’ membership.

I then thought to myself: ‘You’re including me in that number, aincha?’

(I’m not a Cockney, but often do Mockney accents for fun – especially when speaking to myself about numbers of Catholics.)

And so was born my resolve to withstand whatever hardships and dangers the journey to excommunication held for me…

The journey

Email to the then Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols.

13 April 2013
Dear Vincent
I am writing to ask you to excommunicate me from the Catholic Church …
I was baptised at the church of … in … in the autumn of 1970.
I utterly renounce the teachings of the church including the the virgin birth, trans-substantiation and the resurrection.
I have been atheist since the age of 16 and have been evangelical in my views, attempting to convince members of my family and others to renounce their views and join
the ranks of atheists.
I view the role of religions as a negative force in this world, holding power over people’s minds, discouraging rational thought and encouraging sectarianism.
This is not a flippant request. I simply do not want to be counted among the number of Catholics on this planet. I am fundamentally opposed to your teachings and find
my own moral code without need of a religious underpinning.
Please take the necessary steps to take me off your registers and to confirm my excommunication.
If you need any more information please let me know.
Regards.

I received a very nice but firm letter from someone called the ‘Vice-Chancellor’, telling me if I wanted to be excommunicated, I had to go local.
(This came as a bit of a shock as I thought my request would have been sent to the Pope in Rome and, through the Pope, on to God in Heaven before coming back down to
the temporal realm, to Rome and finally to Yorkshire again.)

17 April 2013
Dear ___
Thank you for your email of 13th April, which has been forwarded to this department by the Archbishop’s Personal Assistant.
Although there is no Diocesan Bishop in Leeds at present, as you are resident within that Diocese you do come within their jurisdiction and it is a matter which should be dealt with by the Leeds Diocesan authorities.
Can I suggest that you contact the Leeds Diocesan Chancellor, who I am sure will be able to help you:
The Very Rev. Mgr. Canon J. B. Sharp,
Chancellor,
Hinsley Hall,
62 Headingley Lane,
Leeds,
LS6 2BX.
He does not appear to have a direct email in the Catholic Directory. However, if you would prefer to email, I am sure the Diocesan Administrator’s secretary will pass
your request on to him: bishop@dioceseofleeds.org.uk
I am sorry we are unable to deal with your request here in Westminster, but hope this information will be of help to you.
With every good wish,
Yours sincerely,
Brenda E. Roberts MA
Vice-Chancellor
CHANCERY OFFICE
ARCHBISHOP’S HOUSE
AMBROSDEN AVENUE
WESTMINSTER
LONDON SW1P 1QJ

I wrote to Bryan (not Brian, the ‘very naughty boy’) and included my original excommunication request I’d sent to the Archbishop.

17 April 2013
Dear sir
I wonder if you would be kind enough to read the following email chain in which I am asking to be excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
I understand from the Archbishop that this has to be implemented at diocesan level.
Please would you get back to me if you need any further information in order for my excommunication to take place.
Ideally I would like written confirmation once I have been excommunicated.
Best wishes and thank you in advance.

And on 18 April 2013 at 9:44am, the following email arrived:

Dear ____
I have received a copy of your email to the Archbishop of Westminster and the reply you received.
By virtue of Canon 1364 of the Code of Canon Law an apostate from the faith, a heretic or a schismatic incurs an automatic excommunication .
This would apply to yourself in view of the statements made in your email to the Archbishop of Westminster.
Yours sincerely
Mgr Bryan Sharp
Chancellor Diocese of Leeds

So that’s it.

Excommunication by email in under a week.

And – apart from being struck by lightning, having a plague of frogs falling on my head and losing a bit of hair and getting a bit thicker around the waist – this year has been pretty much the same as any other.

Except I’m not a Catholic any more. Hurrah!