Category Archives: Politics

Can we just all stop being so angry?

There’s so much anger around isn’t there? 

Which is weird because most of us are nice and comfortable. So you’d expect us to be nice and relaxed. 

For example, I’ve just eaten some lovely treacle sponge and custard. This is well known comfort food. 

And I even know people who can pay more than the minimum payment on their credit card! Austerity my arse. 

So why is there so much anger out there? And does anger actually make a difference to anything – except the number of articles about anger? And maybe the number of people beaten up and beaten to death by angry people?

First things first – the scary health bit. 

Anger is bad for the person who’s angry – some people get so angry their head literally explodes. 

And anger is bad for society. Angry people attack and kill other people. If they’re really angry they can smash phone boxes and bus shelters.

Angry people sometimes even write nasty things on the internet.

So let’s all chill out, take some deep breaths and try to calm down. Remember it’s for the good of you as an individual and society as a whole. 

Here’s what you can do:

If it’s a particular person who’s pissing you off, try to blank them out and think about cute lambs gambolling in a field or a nice roast dinner – lamb and mint sauce with plenty of gravy for example. 

If it’s a thing that’s making you angry – like climate change or the murder rate in Belgrade – try to think of something good like After Eights or something difficult like String Theory. 

But as with all advice, there are exceptions. 

If you’re a decent, intelligent person, some people and things will just literally make you want to scream and cry and freak out with utter helpless and crippling rage. 

Things like: 

Aaron Banks for being a racist disgrace and an arrogant swine who thinks he knows more about Roman history than Professor Mary Beard of Cambridge University.

The Tory Brexit lot:

– boring Christians who think they’re doing god’s work
– free market lunatics who’ve never actually worked in the private sector and don’t understand economics
– clever ex-Oxford bores who are going for a hard Brexit because it’s such a hilarious jape
– heartless racist hypocrites who claim immigrants and poor people are a drain on the public purse, but who think they themselves are entitled to receive lots of public money for spouting their poisonous bile.

All utter arseholes on any measure of anal verisimilitude. 

Anyone who supports that bell end Donald Trump. 

And don’t get me started on religious freaks of any and all denominations, dicks who drive too fast, utter morons who let their dogs shit everywhere … 

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Best puns about Donald Trump and truth

Here are seven of the best puns about Donald Trump’s weird relationship to the truth. 

What is Trump’s favourite resting position? 
Lying. 

What is Trump’s favourite stringed instrument? 
The lyre. 

What are Trump’s favourite parasitic insects? 
Lice.

What four-letter anagram of a wild animal’s living place best describes Trump?
Lair. 

What’s Trump’s favourite method of setting German Romantic poems to music?
The lied

What’s the difference between Trump and cats?
Cats only lie 80% of the time.

What is Trump’s favourite liquid metal hydroxide?
Lye.

I thought of these all by myself. 
Feel free to share these puns with your friends and enemies. And add more if you can think of any. 

Trump is entertaining.  

He’s also a dangerous, lying would-be dictator who needs to be called out on his amazing relationship with facts.

If you like laughs – and who doesn’t need laughs at this time in our history? – here are the best short jokes ever and here are the best cheese jokes of all time

Uncovered: Secret editorial memo from one of Britain’s best-selling newspapers

Urgent memo to all editorial staff. 

As always, the liberals and socialists are trying to undermine us. The sickening, hypocritical #StopFundingHate movement is even trying to ruin us by blackmailing major advertisers (John Lewis, M&S, Co-op) to close their accounts.

A gentle reminder of this newspaper’s values is below. Gentle reminder 2: If you don’t like these values, you know where the door is. 

No positive stories about: 

A. People with faces darker than Imran Khan.

B. People with the letters Z or X (except Xavier) in either Christian name or surname.

C. Lego, the Danish socialist swines.

D. France, Germany and – anything, repeat anything – to do with the EU and its sickening, hypocritical institutions. 

E. Religions other than C of E. Even then, check for C in list below – it is utterly riddled with lefties and Remoaners. Disgusting. 

F. Speed cameras.

G. The liberal judiciary. 

H. Openly gay people.

I. Local councils unless decent, moral Conservative. 

J. People on benefits. 

K. Immigration.

L. The BBC. 

No negative stories about: 

A. Iain Duncan Smith – a man of the highest integrity. 

B. Jacob Rees-Mogg – a superb intellect. 

C. Middle-class white people (except socialists, Trotskyites, Remoaners, etc. Traitors, in short).

D. The police – unless the officer comes under category A in list above.

E. The military – unless the serviceman comes under category A in list above.

F. Loyal Conservatives/ Brexiters Ian Botham, Gary Barlow, Jim Davidson, Vinnie Jones, John McCririck, Katie Hopkins. We salute them. 

G. Churchill. 

H. Oswald Moseley. 

I. Hitler. 

J. The economy – everything is fine if only the ‘experts’ would stop talking this country down.

Now get back to work. There’s a war to be won. 

The most popular phrases of 2016 if you’re a sane music loverĀ 

Bowie, Prince, Cohen. Brexit. Trump.


2016 has been a shocker for people with great music taste, reasonable political and ethical standards and a moderate level of sanity. 
If this is you, you may recognise some of the most popular phrases of the year I’ve just collected. 

The phrases in the list have overtaken perennial favourites like ‘Can you smell weed?’, ‘It’s pissing down’ and ‘Oh go on then, just one more and then I really am going home.’

Apologies for the sweariness of the list. But, you know, it’s been a desperately shite year.

Oh shit.

Bollocks. 

You’re taking the fucking piss. 

Oh Jesus Christ no. 

For fuck’s sake. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

Arse holes. 

Oh shit no – not her/him as well. 

What a bastard year. 

You are fucking joking. 

No pissing way. 

What is it with 20fucking16?

Oh god they haven’t. 

That is fucking insane. 

I need a drink/spliff/pill.

We’re doomed. 

We’re properly up shit creek. 

Bollocks on a stick.

Fucking disgusting. 

How the fuck could they?

You stupid bastards. 

So what conclusions can we make? I think there are just two. 

1. 2016 has been a shit year. 

2. People who like good music and decent politics swear a fuck of a lot. 

Do the British really care about Brexit? Yawns speak louder than abusive tweets

Leave supporters are threatening to kill, rape and castrate anyone they accuse of trying to stop Brexit. (I made the castrate bit up on the grounds that Twitter users should be less sexist.)

But is this sort of thing really British?Do the British really care about leaving or staying in the EU? And does anyone understand – or even want to understand – what’s going on? 

The British are supposed to embody the virtues of tolerance, fair play and respect for the other side. But that’s wrong – the myth was made up in the 18th and 19th centuries as a cover for racist imperialism.

Actually, the virtues of the average Briton are inertia, ignorance and apathy.

The British have better things to do than trying to understand complicated issues – preferring instead to watch Strictly, beg on the streets or write racist and homophobic tweets, depending on their socio-economic status, attitude to ballroom dancing and levels of bigotry.

Because of this horror of anything complicated or nuanced, their opinions are created by the ‘newspaper’ they read. Here are some examples:

Express readers obsess about the weather, Princess Diana and wanting to get their country back. 

Daily Mail readers are disgusted by sodomy, immigrants living in lavish houses and the arrogance of gay high court judges who dare to uphold the principle of parliamentary sovereignty and the rule of law. 

Sun readers are experts on breasts, the sex lives of the stars and foreigners coming over here, taking our jobs and raping our women. 

Except the British aren’t actually that bothered about any of these ‘issues’. Not really. Not if you asked them to be honest – except for the breasts. Sun readers love page three.

So what do the British really care about?

Smartphones

Dogs and cats

Football

Cars – especially Clarkson

Hair styles and dyes 

Beauty – especially nails and eyebrows

Christmas

Sleep

Rollercoasters

Tattoos

House prices

Having sex in budget hotels

The bloody weather

Shopping

Celebrities shagging each other

EastEnders and Corrie

Greggs

Strictly Come Dancing

Bank holidays – wanting more

Traffic jams – wanting fewer

Celebrity paedophiles

Holidays in the sun

Getting pissed 

Debt

Jacuzzis 

Speed cameras

Facial hair

Weed

Sexy fancy dress

Writing abusive tweets or facebook posts – threatening to kill, rape (or, hopefully in a less sexist future, castrate) people they don’t like.

‘Political issues’ – and the EU is one of the more arcane – come about 158th on this list of priorities for the British, just behind ‘creosoting the fence’ and just above ‘the Royal Family’.

I’m off for a nap. 

The EU, the judges and the right-wing press. What’s wrong with this country?

The government needs parliament’s agreement before we start the process of leaving the EU. 
So the high court has decided. 

Now here’s the boring theory bit:

We live in a parliamentary democracy underpinned by the rule of law. 

This means ‘we, the people’ can’t be bothered with ‘the issues’. We elect MPs to worry about them for us – so we can go shopping or watch the football. 

We also have Lords and Ladies who worry about issues too – but they’re not democratically elected. 

Oops. 

And the rule of law has stood us in pretty good stead since arbitrary killing, maiming and stealing were limited after some particularly bloodthirsty king went too far with his dastardly deeds. 

The judges decide what the law says. And the judges are independent – so they can’t be bribed or beheaded. 

So much for the theory.

In practice, the right-wing newspapers think they would run the country best – and their amazing ideas include bringing back hanging, erecting statues of Margaret Thatcher in every town and city and undermining the rule of law. 

So, after the decision by the high court, these newspapers screamed that the judges are ‘enemies of the people’, claimed democracy has died and basically said the country hasn’t been in such a state since the Black Death.

I know the people who run these papers are very rich and get very angry when they don’t get their own way or when people disagree with them. Still, they should believe in free speech, shouldn’t they? So here’s an alternative view.

Some things that are wrong with this country 

Too much dog shit on the pavements 

People using their mobiles while driving 

Loads of people having to sleeping rough

Parents at children’s football games getting far too angry

People having to go to food banks so they don’t starve to death

The Daily Mail, The Sun and The Express being allowed to print hate-filled articles full of factual inaccuracies that encourage bigotry and prejudice

Kale

Special Brew

Some things that aren’t wrong with this country

The Yorkshire Dales

Test Match Special

An independent judiciary upholding the rule of law.

How you should vote in the EU referendum

If you’re confused by the referendum that will decide Britain’s future membership of the European Union, here’s a little guide that will tell you how you should vote.

This guide cuts through the hyperbole on both sides of the argument – it doesn’t mention the threat of war or the Nazis and Hitler. It keeps to the facts, helping you to vote logically and rationally.

Your guide on how you should vote

Go to the polling station and tell the nice man or lady your name and address.

He or she will then give you a card. You should take this card into a little booth and put a cross in the box next to your favourite statement.

The question you will answer is:

Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?

Here’s your choice of statements:

Remain a member of the European Union
and
Leave the European Union

Make sure you only choose one – by putting a cross in the box next to your favourite.

Then, you should put the completed card in a box. The box will probably have a slit in the top.

Once that’s done, you should say thank you and bye-bye to the nice man or lady – and leave the polling station.

Finally, once you’re outside, you should go about your day as normal.

If you’re going to be away or incapacitated, you can get a postal vote or a proxy vote. The internet has information about how you should vote in these circumstances.

And that ends my little lesson on how you should vote in the EU referendum.

PS. I’m voting remain because I’m not racist and I am rational.

And if you like a bit of satire, here’s a funny UKIP manifesto I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s scarily true to what that ‘party’ thinks.