Category Archives: Happiness

Can we just all stop being so angry?

There’s so much anger around isn’t there? 

Which is weird because most of us are nice and comfortable. So you’d expect us to be nice and relaxed. 

For example, I’ve just eaten some lovely treacle sponge and custard. This is well known comfort food. 

And I even know people who can pay more than the minimum payment on their credit card! Austerity my arse. 

So why is there so much anger out there? And does anger actually make a difference to anything – except the number of articles about anger? And maybe the number of people beaten up and beaten to death by angry people?

First things first – the scary health bit. 

Anger is bad for the person who’s angry – some people get so angry their head literally explodes. 

And anger is bad for society. Angry people attack and kill other people. If they’re really angry they can smash phone boxes and bus shelters.

Angry people sometimes even write nasty things on the internet.

So let’s all chill out, take some deep breaths and try to calm down. Remember it’s for the good of you as an individual and society as a whole. 

Here’s what you can do:

If it’s a particular person who’s pissing you off, try to blank them out and think about cute lambs gambolling in a field or a nice roast dinner – lamb and mint sauce with plenty of gravy for example. 

If it’s a thing that’s making you angry – like climate change or the murder rate in Belgrade – try to think of something good like After Eights or something difficult like String Theory. 

But as with all advice, there are exceptions. 

If you’re a decent, intelligent person, some people and things will just literally make you want to scream and cry and freak out with utter helpless and crippling rage. 

Things like: 

Aaron Banks for being a racist disgrace and an arrogant swine who thinks he knows more about Roman history than Professor Mary Beard of Cambridge University.

The Tory Brexit lot:

– boring Christians who think they’re doing god’s work
– free market lunatics who’ve never actually worked in the private sector and don’t understand economics
– clever ex-Oxford bores who are going for a hard Brexit because it’s such a hilarious jape
– heartless racist hypocrites who claim immigrants and poor people are a drain on the public purse, but who think they themselves are entitled to receive lots of public money for spouting their poisonous bile.

All utter arseholes on any measure of anal verisimilitude. 

Anyone who supports that bell end Donald Trump. 

And don’t get me started on religious freaks of any and all denominations, dicks who drive too fast, utter morons who let their dogs shit everywhere … 

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Compassion therapy in action – an Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch meditation 

I feel sorry for people called Benedict because, when someone offers them eggs – followed by their moniker – they may not know if they’re being offered the specific dish or a more generic yolk/albumen-based delicacy. 

‘Eggs, Benedict?’

‘Eggs Benedict?’

One way to avoid confusion would be to repeat the word Benedict – if the person is offering the specific dish. 

‘Eggs Benedict, Benedict?’

Anyway. 

This is part of my compassion therapy. 

It’s as far as I can take compassion for now. 

It’s a start isn’t it? 

Only I don’t actually know anyone called Benedict. 

Except Benedict Cumberbatch – whose full name has a smaller than expected six syllables! 

And I’ve never actually eaten Eggs Benedict.

Why February is the best month

As part of my therapy, I have to do a ‘glass half full’ exercise.

So here are eight reasons why February is my favourite month – despite it officially being the worst month of the year. 

1. You’ve given up on all your New Year’s Resolutions by now. So you can drink, smoke, take drugs, eat fatty foods, swear, get into fights, sit around doing no exercise, etc without feeling like a complete failure. 

2. The weather is quite shit so there’s a chance of getting off work or school without lying. 

3. You can be really pissed off and you’re allowed to blame it on the month – and no-one criticises you for being a maungy* twat.

4. It has a silent ‘r’ that some people pronounce, allowing you to silently despise them. 

5. Lots of people die in February so you can get free food and drink at wakes. 

6. You can wear long johns without being called a freak. 

7. Jehovah’s Witnesses get really cold – either door to door or at their city centre stalls. 

8. If you find yourself saying: ‘I can’t wait until this month is over’, it will be soon because it’s so short – like this excuse for a blog post. 

* West Yorkshire dialect for bad-tempered, sulky, generally jacked off with life, feeling like a right skank, etc. 

Do something lovely for yourself this Valentines Day

This Valentines Day, why not do something good for yourself – instead of swallowing the marketing bullshit whole?

animal-smiling

Love is in the air

There’s an adage that says you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

But this adage says nothing about being obsessed or dependent or hopelessly devoted to someone else before you love yourself, does it?

And look around – there are so many dysfunctional relationships in this world aren’t there?

Just look at the Catholic parishioners who lust after their priest …

… The priest lusting after their altar boys …

… And the altar boys lusting after Minecraft characters.

Luckily, you don’t have to be in a dysfunctional relationship to show yourself a bit of love.

Here’s how:

 

Give up smoking: This is easy once you get over the anger, depression, physical agony, obsessive day and night-time dreams, rages, suicidal and murderous thoughts, etc.

Rab-C-Nesbitt

Not sure he loves himself enough to cut down on his drinking

Cut down on drinking alcohol: This is easy as long as you can put up with losing your friends and social life, shaking like an ornament during a smallish earthquake and feeling a restless emptiness like the worst form of grief.

Stop eating so many sugary snacks: Again it’s a piece of piss as long as you can put up with virtually constant sobbing, dizziness and pure, unadulterated emptiness.

If these methods sound a bit extreme, you could opt for less ambitious options of showing yourself you care:

  • call a friend you absolutely love, but haven’t spoken to for ages (as long as they’re still speaking to you – and aren’t dead or in a coma)
  • on a cloudless night, just look up at the sky and stare at the stars (but not for so long that you crick your neck)
  • get a dog or a cat (unless you’re scared of – or allergic to – them, and don’t mind proximity to animal faeces)
  • there are loads of other ways to make yourself feel special – they’re littered throughout the http://simlington.com blog. So feel free to look around.

And if you do want to be nice to someone else, why not just give them a hug and say ‘I love you’.

And maybe give the money you were going to waste on a heart-shaped box of chocolates to a charity for refugees, domestic abuse survivors or the homeless – who really do need to be reminded that someone cares.

You can follow simlington on Twitter

What to do if the internet dies

Many of us rely on the internet. Sometimes we even do something useful with it, like sharing cupcake recipes and telling strangers why their opinions about Brexit and Trump are stupid. 

But have you thought what you’d do if the internet died? 

There are various technical things that could go wrong with the internet. These are too technical for this article. And some outside scientific events could also cause a catastrophic breakdown of the internet. Again you’ll have to take my word for this. 

Here, instead, are five tips to survive the death of the internet. 

1. Panic. This could take the form of screaming, scrunching yourself into a ball or shaking uncontrollably. 

2. Get a paintball gun or water pistol. This will help you to rob necessities without murder complicating things. 

3. Stock up on necessities like Flakes and Quavers. 

4. Have a plan. For example – how are you going to share inspiring advice or updates on your weight? Round robin letter? Phone calls? Radio phone-ins? 

5. Wait. Someone is bound to invent a new internet at some point. 

I hope you’ve found this article useful. If not, I have other advice on what to do if you find a frog in your garden and how to decide between chips and mashed potatoes. 

Write your own epitaph – and don’t be so grave 

There’s a psychological technique that gets you to write your own epitaph. 

The idea is that you think about what’s written on your gravestone – to encourage you to think about the person you’d like to be.

Then when you realise the massive distance between who you are now and the person described on the gravestone, you’re supposed to make huge changes in your life. 

Like stopping being an arsehole, devoting your life to discovering a new cheese or finally getting divorced. 
A Californian life coach would say this technique may help you ‘to live your best life’. Writing that phrase just literally made me gag. 

Another problem with the epitaph technique is that my family don’t do gravestones.

We’ve always been burnt. Sometimes at the stake. Other times at the crem. 

But we’ve always suffered from insufficient funds for a gravestone when we snuff it.

Still let’s not give up just yet. 

Here’s some inspiration:

‘I told you I was ill’ on Spike Milligan’a grave is really good. 

I also like these three:

Sir Christopher Wren (1632-1723) in St. Paul’s Cathedral:
‘Si monumentum requiris circumspice.’
‘If you require a monument, look around.’

Mrs Aphra Behn (1640-89):
‘Here lies a proof that wit can never be, defence enough against mortality.’

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
‘Excuse my dust.’

Actually this exercise has really got me thinking. So here goes with some I’ve just thought up:

‘He spent his life either nervous, angry or off his tits on hardcore painkillers and/or benzodiazepines.’

‘His haircuts never really suited him.’

‘Didn’t work out as well as we hoped – but not as badly as we feared. B+?-‘

‘He tried. He failed. He conked out.’

‘A transvestite until the age of four. Then things went downhill.’

‘Cats will miss him. (Actually, no they won’t.)’

‘Feared by no-one. Loved by a few. Ignored by many.’

‘He gave up the drink. He gave up the fags. And now he’s given up the ghost.’

Why not have a go at writing your own epitaph? 

If nothing else, you can marvel at your own mediocrity. 

7 ways to survive Trump and May’s transatlantic disaster

There’s no doubt that the UK and the US have entered a new era of arrogant stupidity. 

Of course we’ve been here before. Our countries have been responsible for genocide and imperialism on a truly horrific scale. We’ve invaded countries, killed native peoples at will, destroyed cultures, enslaved populations. You name a crime against humanity  our countries are guilty of it. 

And yet we still have this idea that we safeguard basic human rights and dignity.

We can’t even make sure all our own citizens have a roof over their heads, we can’t even treat our all citizens with dignity when they’re ill and we can’t even make our trains run on time.

But these are other stories. 

Here’s your guide to surviving the next few years – until this brand of moronic conservatism blows itself out, hopefully not taking the rest of humankind with it. Choose the ones that make sense for you. 

1. If you don’t have one already, get a cat and/or a dog. They don’t give a shit about politics. And they let you stroke them. They also have nicer breath than either Trump or May. 

2. Don’t start writing angry tweets about politics – you’ll just get angrier and angrier until your head explodes. And if that happens you won’t have survived the Trump-May years when they thankfully come to an end.

3. Do lots of small acts of kindness – both to yourself and to others. This could include masturbating when you would normally be cleaning the oven, or checking if old Mrs Smith at number 15 needs any shopping. Note: don’t get these mixed up and offer to get the shopping for your oven or …

4. Learn some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, smoking vast quantities of weed and taking benzodiazepines regularly. 

5. Take up a new hobby like gardening (so you can grow your own weed), chemistry (so you can create your own synthetic drugs) or tightrope walking (as a metaphor for your mental health).

6. Get addicted to heroin and/or crack so you spend less time worrying about the future of the world, homelessness, public health catastrophes, etc – and more energy wondering where your next hit is coming from. 

7. Inherit lots of money. Give most of it away to people who are much worse off than you are. And spend the rest emigrating to somewhere more sane, like Canada or Iceland. 

Good luck!