Category Archives: Funny

Best short gin jokes, puns and quotes – let the fun be-gin

Too much gin can make you tearful – so here’s an antidote. Some lovely gin jokes and one-liners to read and share while you’re enjoying an ice cold G&T.

Brought to you by the award-winning York Gin and York Gin Cocoa

– “I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” -WC Fields

– Don’t cry over spilt milk: it could have been gin.

– I drank so much last night, I woke up with a London Dry accent.

– I tried to say no to gin, but it’s 42.5% stronger than me.

– “I don’t know what reception I’m at but, for God’s sake, give me a gin and tonic.” – Denis Thatcher

– If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a gin.

– What do you call someone who’s never had a G&T? A virgin.

– What’s the sophisticated drinker’s favourite Xmas carol? Gin-gle bells, gin-gle bells ….

– “Trust me you can dance.” ⁃ Gin

– When life gives you lemons (or limes) make a gin and tonic.

– Save water: drink gin.

– PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY. Don’t spill it.

– “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” – Phyllis Diller

– A gin and tonic has 91 calories. A banana has 115 calories. My doctor told me to make the healthy choice. I love my doctor.

– A yawn is a silent scream for gin.

– I want someone to look at me the same way I look at gin.

– Gin and bear it.

– Good friends offer advice. Real friends offer gin.

– Exercise. Walking round the house looking for my glass of gin.

– I didn’t text you. Gin did.

– Sometimes I have a bath because it’s difficult to drink gin in the shower.

– If you can’t remember my name just say ‘Gin’ and I’ll turn around.

– I love you slightly less than gin.

– Gin lovers are better lovers.

– I make gin disappear. What’s your superpower?

– Education is important. But gin is importanter.

– Gin and tonic is the answer … What was the question?

– Gin: because everyone needs a hobby.

– My resting face is also my thinking about gin face.

– Size does matter. No-one wants a small gin and tonic.

– A day without gin is like … I have no idea.

– A woman goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac in her bag. She says: “A large gin and tonic please. And one for the road.”

– You should have a warm heart and a cold gin and tonic.

Brought to you by York Gin – silver medal winner at the Gin Masters 2018. And York Gin Cocoa – launched on Yorkshire Day (1 August) 2018.

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The best offensive, controversial and awkward Christmas jokes

Here are some festive jokes that are ruder, more anti-religious and have more sexual content than your average Xmas gags. Ho, ho, ho!

At Christmas, I remember closing my eyes and waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left …

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

When did George Michael die?

Last Christmas.

Christmas is rubbish.

Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

Why does Santa go in through the chimney?

Because Mrs Claus said he’d never get in through the back door.

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at three hoes.

I wanted my step-daughter to play with the rabbit I bought her for Christmas.

But her mother said that sex toys were not an appropriate gift for an eight year old.

Last night, Father Christmas emptied his sack in our room – which is why I’m leaving your mother.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?

He was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

‘Twas the night before Christmas. And a very pregnant Mary fell off the donkey – causing a miscarriage.

As I was paying for my Christmas tree, the shop assistant asked: ‘Are you going to put that up yourself?’

I said: ‘No you dirty sod, I’m putting it up in the living room.’

Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and asks the receptionist: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Why are priests like Christmas trees?

Their little balls are just for decoration.

Here are less offensive – but probably funnier – short Xmas jokes

And here’s how to get excommunicated from the Catholic Church

Merry Christmas again.

The world’s best, funniest, most hilarious cheese jokes of all time

Say cheese! There – you’re already smiling.

During my research I’ve sliced out the cheesiest jokes – so you only get the grate ones. Whey to go!

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.
I thought: ‘That’s not very mature.’

Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree? No, but an applewood.

What cheese is very succinct?
Brie-f.

What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
It’s nacho day.

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi.

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?
Because the roquefort back.

What’s the world’s most annoying cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de-Brie.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Which hotel do mice stay in?
The Stilton.

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.

What’s a Christian’s favourite snack.
Little baby cheeses.

Why do the cheese family go to Blackpool for their holidays?
Because they love the hallouminations.

Armageddon Cheese. Best before end.

 

Want some more jokes? Here are the best short jokes and one liners of all time

And here are the best Christmas and Easter jokes around.

Feel free to add any I’ve missed in the comments – you’d be crackers not to.

The best, funniest, most hilarious Easter jokes ever

To celebrate Easter, here are some of the funniest short Easter jokes ever. It includes Easter puns, Easter one-liners and even rude Easter jokes.
What do you call a group of bunnies marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

What do you call a duck that just doesn’t fit in? 
Mallardjusted.
 
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.
 
How are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply really quickly. 
 
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.

Son: Daddy, where’s mummy?
Dad: She’s with Jesus now.
Son: What – she’s dead?
Dad: No, she ran off with a Mexican waiter.
 
What do you get if the rabbit warren air conditioning stops working during a heatwave?
Hot, cross bunnies.

What’s the best philosophy for Easter? 
Eggsistentialism. 
 
How did Jesus feel about being crucified?
Cross.
 
Jesus walks up to a hotel receptionist, hands over three nails and asks: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

Here are the best short jokes of all time.
And topically enough Here’s how you can get excommunicated from the Catholic church – by email!

Best short Christmas jokes, puns, quotes and funny Xmas one liners

Here are the best, funniest and silliest Xmas jokes, puns, one-liners and quotes ever written.
I hope some of them make you laugh. They’re my present to you all.
Happy Christmas everyone!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

How do Spanish sheep say ‘Happy Christmas’?
Fleece Navidad.

The Three Wise Men sound very generous but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.

Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I’ve got my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.

Mary: Why won’t you put the rubbish out?
Joseph: It’s Christmas – there’s no room in the bin.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.

We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.

What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Why is Santa’s sack so full?
He only comes once a year.

What’s a skunk’s favourite Christmas song?
Jingle Smells.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

Which of all Santa’s elves is the rudest?
Gofuckyourself

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What’s a lion’s favourite carol?
Jungle Bells.

How can you tell when Santa’s close by?
You can sense his presents.

What’s a sophisticated drinker’s favourite Christmas carol?

Gin-gle Bells (courtesy of York Gin)

More gin jokes here >

What’s the best Xmas present?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.

I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note saying: ‘Toys not included’.

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.

The worst thing about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.

Why did Santa’s little helpers choose the outside table at the restaurant?
They wanted to eat elfresco.

What do you call a lobster who won’t share any of his Xmas presents?
Shellfish.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues.

What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs.

We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas so we gave the budgie chest expanders.

We’ve invited the mother-in-law round for Christmas for the last eight years.
This year, we might even let her in.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
He had low elf esteem.

Ant puts up Christmas decorations in the living room. Dec, the halls.

Marks & Spencer say it wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.
They’re right – it’d be Chrita.

‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’

Christmas is rubbish. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

A Jehovah’s Witness gave me an advent calendar.
The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Be careful drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk one year, I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar. Or, as you like to call it, a delicatessen.

What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?
A Santa clause.

What goes ‘Oh! Oh! Oh?’
Santa walking backwards.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper.

Here are the most offensive Christmas jokes

Here are the best short jokes of all time, the best Easter jokes and here are the best cheese jokes everIf you’ve made it so far, you deserve a Christmas drink.

Excommunication from the Catholic Church by email: A simple and fun guide for atheists

by Simon Henry @simlington

Exactly one year ago, I was formally excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

The process involved no torture, no incense and no Latin recitations.

I just had to send an email outlining my contention that the central teachings of Catholicism were bollocks – and within a few days I was out.

There was no Inquisition-style hanging by the wrists with weights suspended from the ankles, no rack, no foot roasting and no water torture.

Nor did I face the upsetting prospect of being burned at the stake – as may have been my fate in Reformation England, depending on which despot was on the throne at the time.

What a relief, then, to live at a time when – and in a place where – I can say religion is garbage …

… and the worst that happens to me is I get a rather gentle email telling me I’m a heretic and apostate – with kind regards attached at the bottom from someone called Bryan.

Why I wanted to get excommunicated

I was baptised by a drunk Catholic priest in 1970.

At that point – aged zero years – I wasn’t really in a position to argue (not being able to speak) or escape from the font (as I hadn’t yet learned to use my legs).

Luckily the pie-eyed priest didn’t drop me.

Being told you're Catholic is like being told your a Cliff Richard fan. Unworkable in the long run.

Being told you’re Catholic is like being told you’re a Cliff Richard fan. Unworkable in the long run.

By the time I learned to think for myself, being told I was a Catholic was like being told I was a Manchester United supporter, or a fan of Cliff Richard’s songs.

Not really my cup of tea.

But I let my nominal membership lie until I read an article in which the church bragged about its ‘billion-plus’ membership.

I then thought to myself: ‘You’re including me in that number, aincha?’

(I’m not a Cockney, but often do Mockney accents for fun – especially when speaking to myself about numbers of Catholics.)

And so was born my resolve to withstand whatever hardships and dangers the journey to excommunication held for me…

The journey

Email to the then Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols.

13 April 2013
Dear Vincent
I am writing to ask you to excommunicate me from the Catholic Church …
I was baptised at the church of … in … in the autumn of 1970.
I utterly renounce the teachings of the church including the the virgin birth, trans-substantiation and the resurrection.
I have been atheist since the age of 16 and have been evangelical in my views, attempting to convince members of my family and others to renounce their views and join
the ranks of atheists.
I view the role of religions as a negative force in this world, holding power over people’s minds, discouraging rational thought and encouraging sectarianism.
This is not a flippant request. I simply do not want to be counted among the number of Catholics on this planet. I am fundamentally opposed to your teachings and find
my own moral code without need of a religious underpinning.
Please take the necessary steps to take me off your registers and to confirm my excommunication.
If you need any more information please let me know.
Regards.
Simon Henry

I received a very nice but firm letter from someone called the ‘Vice-Chancellor’, telling me if I wanted to be excommunicated, I had to go local.
(This came as a bit of a shock as I thought my request would have been sent to the Pope in Rome and, through the Pope, on to God in Heaven before coming back down to
the temporal realm, to Rome and finally to Yorkshire again.)

17 April 2013
Dear Mr. Henry,
Thank you for your email of 13th April, which has been forwarded to this department by the Archbishop’s Personal Assistant.
Although there is no Diocesan Bishop in Leeds at present, as you are resident within that Diocese you do come within their jurisdiction and it is a matter which should be dealt with by the Leeds Diocesan authorities.
Can I suggest that you contact the Leeds Diocesan Chancellor, who I am sure will be able to help you:
The Very Rev. Mgr. Canon J. B. Sharp,
Chancellor,
Hinsley Hall,
62 Headingley Lane,
Leeds,
LS6 2BX.
He does not appear to have a direct email in the Catholic Directory. However, if you would prefer to email, I am sure the Diocesan Administrator’s secretary will pass
your request on to him: bishop@dioceseofleeds.org.uk
I am sorry we are unable to deal with your request here in Westminster, but hope this information will be of help to you.
With every good wish,
Yours sincerely,
Brenda E. Roberts MA
Vice-Chancellor
CHANCERY OFFICE
ARCHBISHOP’S HOUSE
AMBROSDEN AVENUE
WESTMINSTER
LONDON SW1P 1QJ

I wrote to Bryan (not Brian, the ‘very naughty boy’) and included my original excommunication request I’d sent to the Archbishop.

17 April 2013
Dear sir
I wonder if you would be kind enough to read the following email chain in which I am asking to be excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
I understand from the Archbishop that this has to be implemented at diocesan level.
Please would you get back to me if you need any further information in order for my excommunication to take place.
Ideally I would like written confirmation once I have been excommunicated.
Best wishes and thank you in advance.
Simon Henry

And on 18 April 2013 at 9:44am, the following email arrived:

Dear Mr Henry,
I have received a copy of your email to the Archbishop of Westminster and the reply you received.
By virtue of Canon 1364 of the Code of Canon Law an apostate from the faith, a heretic or a schismatic incurs an automatic excommunication .
This would apply to yourself in view of the statements made in your email to the Archbishop of Westminster.
Yours sincerely
Mgr Bryan Sharp
Chancellor Diocese of Leeds

So that’s it.

Excommunication by email in under a week.

And – apart from being struck by lightning, having a plague of frogs falling on my head and losing a bit of hair and getting a bit thicker around the waist – this year has been pretty much the same as any other.

Except I’m not a Catholic any more. Hurrah!

In praise of the TLA or three-letter acronym: Abbreviation tips for the modern offices

by Simon Henry @simlington

According to the Urban Dictionary, ‘A TLA is a three-letter acronym for three-letter acronyms.’

If you’re saying: ‘WFT – CBA TBH.’ you’re already an advanced practitioner of the TLA.
If you’re still confused, a TLA is the first three letters of a three letter phrase. The above example actually means: ‘What the f***? Can’t be arsed, to be honest.’

Let’s see why we think, read and speak in threes.

History

Pythagoras said the number 3 was the noblest of all digits.

And who are we to argue? We don’t have (1) the knowledge, (2) the inclination or (3) the space to take issue with a great mathematician.

The Romans said: ‘Omne trium perfectum’ which means ‘Everything in threes is perfect’. Well, it was until I translated it and made it five.

The Rule of Three is also accepted in Riting & Reading as well as Rithmetic.

‘Blood, sweat and tears’. ‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen’. ‘F*** This S***’.

three-amigos

The Three Amigos is one of the top 10 films starring three comedians wearing massive sombreros

‘Sex, Lies & Videotape’. ‘The Three Amigos’. ‘Police Academy III’.

Four Little Pigs would lose its artistic tension. Goldilocks & The Two Bears would leave too much porridge. The One Stooge would be funny – but not hilarious.

Threes are best. But they’re rubbish when repeated

Location, location, location is bad telly.

Education, education, education is Blair’s boring politics.

www is really difficult to say. Don’t like difficult.

More about www

www is in a class of its own. It is the longest possible TLA to pronounce – at nine syllables.

In 1999, Douglas Adams said: ‘The world wide web is the only thing I know of whose shortened form takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for.’

Tragically, Douglas died before the www prefix started dying out itself.

More about TLAs

The number of possible three-letter abbreviations using the 26 letters of the alphabet from A to Z (AAA, AAB to ZZY, ZZZ) = 26×26×26 = 17,576.

But there are already duplicates like STD being a dialling code and a dirty disease. So in theory we could be looking at hundreds of thousands.

TLAs for the modern office

Luckily for you, I’ve culled the list to include only the most necessary TLAs in the modern office.

In my 20 years of working in an office, I’ve often heard TLAs tripping off other people’s tongues like renegade spit – but not having a clue what they’re on about.

So I hope this will provide a handy reference for when you’re stuck.

I’ve also included some XTLAs. XTLAs are extended TLAs, like WYSIWYG, which means ‘What you see is what you get’ that are longer than three letters.)

On balance, you’ve come off lightly with a list of around 150.

An A to Z of office TLAs (with some random other ones sprinkled in to keep morale up.)

ABH Actual bodily harm
AGM Annual general meeting
AKA Also known as
AOB Any other business
API Application programming interface
APR Annual percentage rate
ARPU Average revenue per user
ASAP As soon as possible
ATM At the moment / Automatic teller machine

BAC Blood alcohol content
BAU Business as usual
BCC Blind carbon copy
BEM Bug-eyed monster
BFG Big Friendly Giant
BFN Bye for now
BTW By the way
B2B Business to business
B2C Business to consumer

CAD Computer-aided design
CAPEX Capital expenditure
CBA Can’t be arsed
CEO Chief executive officer ( Exchange the middle letter as follows I information, M marketing, T technology, O operating, F finance)
COB Close of business
COD Cash on delivery
COP Close of play
CPS Crown Prosecution Service
CRM Customer relationship management
CTA Call to action

DIY Do it yourself
DNS Domain name server
DOA Dead on arrival
DOB Date of birth
DOJ Drunk on job
DOM Dirty old man
DOS Disk operating system
DPI Dots per inch

EBITDA Earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortisation
ELO Electric Light Orchestra
EOD Every other day / End of day
EOP End of play
ETA Estimated time of arrival
ETD Estimated time of departure

FAQ(s) Frequently asked question(s)
FBI Federal Bureau of Investigation
FDR Franklin Delano Roosevelt
FOC Free of charge
FTP File transfer protocol
FSM Flying Spaghetti Monster
FUBAR F***ed up beyond all repair
FYC Fine Young Cannibals
FYI For your information

GBH Grievous bodily harm
GDP Gross domestic product
GHQ General headquarters
GMT Greenwich Mean Time
GNG Go – no go (This is an example of unacceptable office jargon.)
GNP Gross national product
GPS Global positioning system

HCF Highest common factor
HGV Heavy goods vehicle
HRH His/Her Royal Highness
HWM High water mark
HR Human resources
HQ Headquarters

ICU Intensive care unit
IOU IOU
IPO Initial public offering
ISA Individual savings account
ISP Internet service provider
IUD Intra-uterine device

JIT Just in time
JFDI Just f***ing do it

KFC Kentucky Fried Chicken
KPI Key performance indicator

LOL doesn't mean 'Lots of love'.

LOL doesn’t mean ‘Lots of love’.

LBW Leg before wicket
LCD Liquid crystal display / Lowest common denominator
LCM Lowest common multiple
LIFO Last in first out
LOL Laugh out loud. (Not lots of love. You could get into trouble if you use LOL when something tragic has happened.)

MPB Male pattern baldness
MPC Marginal propensity to consume
MPG Miles per gallon
MPH Miles per hour
MSG Mono sodium glutamate

NBG No bloody good
NBI Nothing but initials
NDA Non-disclosure agreement
NFG No f***ing good
NIC National Insurance contribution(s)
NSA No strings attached

OED Oxford English Dictionary
OMG Oh my god
ONO Or nearest offer
OOO Out of office
OOP Out of pocket
OPEX Operational expenditure
OTC Over the counter
OTT Over the top
OXO Gravy granules

P&L Profit & loss
PCM Please call me / Per calendar month
PDA Public display (of) affection
PDF Portable document format
PDQ Pretty damned quick
PFI Private Finance Initiative
PIN Personal identification number
PLC Public limited company
PMO Project management office / Program management office
POD Pay on delivery
POS Point of sale / Piece of s**t
PPC Pay per click
PPE Politics, philosophy and economics (what the Cabinet did at Oxford)
PSA Pleasant Sunday afternoon
PTC Propensity to call / churn / cry
PTO Please turn over

QED Quod erat demonstrandum (‘Which had to be demonstrated’)
QTD Quarter to date
QC Quality control

R&D Research & development
REM Rapid eye movement / Band name
RFP Request for proposal
RIP Requiescat in pace (‘May (s)he rest in peace’)
ROI Return on investment / Republic of Ireland
RPI Retail price index
RRP Recommended retail price
RSI Repetitive strain injury
RTFM Read the F***ing manual (particularly used by IT support staff)

SAE Stamped, addressed envelope
SBD Silent but deadly
SEO Search engine optimisation
SEP Someone else’s problem
SFA Sweet Fanny Adams / Sweet f*** all
SLA Service level agreement
SNAFU Situation Normal: All F***d Up
SOB Shortness of breath / Son of a bitch / Standard operating bullsh*t
SPOC Single point of contact:
STD Sexually transmitted disease / Subscriber trunk dialling
STFU Shut the f*** up
SWF Single white female

TBA To be announced
TBC To be confirmed
TBH To be honest
TLA Three-letter acronym /Three-letter abbreviation
TLC Tender loving care
TPA Tissue plasminogen activator
TTFN Ta ta for now

UHT Ultra heat treated
URL Uniform resource locator
USC Up shit creek
USCWAP Up shit creek without a paddle
USP Unique selling point
UTC Under the counter

VAT Value-added tax

WFH Work from home
WRT With respect to
WTF What the f***
WYSIAWYG What you see is almost what you get
WYSIWYG What you see is what you get
WYSINWNWYG What you see is nowhere near what you get
WYSINWYG What you see is not what you get
WYTYSYDG What you thought you saw, you didn’t get

YTD Year to date
YOLO You only live once
YOY Year on year

If you’ve made it this far, I’m astonished. You have character, commitment and probably too much time on your hands.

Feel free to send any favourite work-based TLAs for me to add to the list. And I hope you’ll start making your own.

Fun with TLAs?

I recently got my girlfriend to ask the waiter for a KBG. He looked at her blankly. KBG in my world at that moment meant ‘KnickerBockerGlory’. It meant nothing to him.

To add insult to injury, they’d stopped serving. So I didn’t even get a NBC (nice black coffee). Still, we left him a DST (decent-sized tip) anyway.

You see the fun you can have with TLAs? It’s especially good if you don’t get out much.

With thanks to Briony Wilson and Tallulah Godivala.