Category Archives: Food

Compassion therapy in action – an Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch meditation 

I feel sorry for people called Benedict because, when someone offers them eggs – followed by their moniker – they may not know if they’re being offered the specific dish or a more generic yolk/albumen-based delicacy. 

‘Eggs, Benedict?’

‘Eggs Benedict?’

One way to avoid confusion would be to repeat the word Benedict – if the person is offering the specific dish. 

‘Eggs Benedict, Benedict?’

Anyway. 

This is part of my compassion therapy. 

It’s as far as I can take compassion for now. 

It’s a start isn’t it? 

Only I don’t actually know anyone called Benedict. 

Except Benedict Cumberbatch – whose full name has a smaller than expected six syllables! 

And I’ve never actually eaten Eggs Benedict.

The world’s best, funniest, most hilarious cheese jokes of all time

Say cheese! There – you’re already smiling.

During my research I’ve sliced out the cheesiest jokes – so you only get the grate ones. Whey to go!

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.
I thought: ‘That’s not very mature.’

Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree? No, but an applewood.

What cheese is very succinct?
Brie-f.

What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
It’s nacho day.

How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi.

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?
Because the roquefort back.

What’s the world’s most annoying cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Why can’t you make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de-Brie.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Which hotel do mice stay in?
The Stilton.

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.

What’s a Christian’s favourite snack.
Little baby cheeses.

Why do the cheese family go to Blackpool for their holidays?
Because they love the hallouminations.

Armageddon Cheese. Best before end.

 

Want some more jokes? Here are the best short jokes and one liners of all time

And here are the best Christmas and Easter jokes around.

Feel free to add any I’ve missed in the comments – you’d be crackers not to.

The Tour de France Grand Depart: Why Yorkshire is actually part of France

by Simon Henry @simlington

People in both the Lycra-clad cycling world and the less tight-fitting normal world were amazed when Yorkshire became part of the Tour de France.

The idea did seem a bit weird at first – after all, Yorkshire’s in England, not France.

And 62% of bikes in Leeds get nicked within a month of purchase.

But Yorkshire and France have more in common than you may think – a spooky similarity that goes way beyond both being inhabited by Homo Sapiens and having North Sea coasts.

Here are some very good reasons why Yorkshire is secretly French.

We’re both very good at shrugging.

As everyone knows, the French don’t actually say: ‘Je ne sais pas.’

They shrug it.

Similarly, Yorkshire folk are people of few words – ‘No’, ‘Can’t’ and ‘Won’t’. And a Gallic shrug is a more likely response to most questions than any of these negative monosyllables.

We both make a lot of cheese.

Wensleydale, Swaledale and Yorkshire Blue are only some of the crumbly and pungent masterpieces produced in ‘God’s own county’.

The French famously can’t be governed because they make so many different cheeses.

Meanwhile, Yorkshire people are famously constipated or ‘bunged-up’ because of the sheer volume of cheese they get down their necks.

My dad had fruit tea cakes with cheese inside for his ‘jock’ (lunch sandwiches) for 27 years until my mum asked him if he wanted a change in 1998. He shrugged – and has been on tuna mayonnaise ever since.

We have a very strong sense of our own importance.

Or arrogance – if you’re not French or Yorkshire.
Enough said.
You’re all just jealous you’re not us.

Sparkling water

It’s a close run thing between Evian and Harrogate for the ‘best sparkling water in the world’ crown.

I don’t like to brag (much) but what I will say is that I’ve seen Harrogate sparkling water stocked in shops as far and wide as Liverpool, Nottingham and Clwyd (wherever that is.)

And it does have more bubbles in it than Evian. Just an observation.

We’re both gigantic

France is massive. It always amazes you when you look at a map and see how enormous it actually it is.

How did Henry VIII and all those kings and earls in history think they could conquer it?

This was before the ‘cheese-eating surrender monkeys’ jibe had been invented. They probably had some ‘arrogant’ Yorkshire blood in them.

Meanwhile, Yorkshire is officially ‘England’s biggest and most magnificent county’.

When I say ‘officially’ I mean that’s the phrase Tourism Yorkshire made up.

But I like it. A lot.
It’s magnificent.

Like Yorkshire.

We both like flat headwear.

The flat cap and beret are suspiciously similar.

The flat cap being marginally more stylish – especially if you’re taking a whippet or a ferret for a walk down the Champs Élysées

Flour and fat

The Yorkshire pudding is basically a savoury version of the croissant isn’t it?

Eric Cantona.

I know Eric became known as Manchester United’s second best player ever after Georgie Best, RIP. And I know he did his best karate kick while wearing red.

But he came to Yorkshire first – a trial at Sheffield Wednesday was followed by a spell playing for Leeds United.

And he would have obviously stayed in the magnificent county of Yorkshire had certain alleged events not happened.

Always remember the French legend’s first choice was Yorkshire.

Floral symbols

We both have white flowers as our symbol.

The Fleur de Lis and the White Rose both smell nice and last for around five days in tepid water before they start to lose their petals.

Spooky.

If you enjoyed this, you may like this post How the Tour de France weekend gives us all 6 lessons in happiness

My Posts about sport include lessons in losing from the World Cup, why marathons aren’t necessarily good for you and a Boat Race special.

You can get an email alert whenever I publish a new post. If you’re on a mobile you can sign up below. If you’re on a computer, sign up at the top right-hand of the page.

And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014

Office life: 6 reasons to love your workplace even if the air con is bust

cigs

By Simon Henry @simlington

A wonderful part of not dying when you’re young is you get to work with young people as you get older.

These youngsters bring exciting new philosophies and aspirations to your office.

And they’re a reminder of a younger you – who still had hopes and dreams of a better life and fulfilling career.

But mostly they complain about how dreadful your office is – the coffee machine doesn’t serve skinny lattes, the air con is two degrees too cold …

And why the hell can’t they have table football and a meditation suite with complimentary Indian head massages?

So here’s why those pesky spoiled youngsters should zip it. The Six Deadly Sins of  the 1980s office. Welcome to hell, my young friends.

1. Smoking at your desk was encouraged – viewed almost universally as a social lubricant and stress buster. It also masked the smell of colleagues who didn’t wash more than once a week (see 5 below).
Workers were given a huge ashtray on their desk – and were often forced to work late if it wasn’t overflowing with tab ends by 5pm.

2. Food: The office canteen offered one choice – School Dinners. This consisted of a stodgy meat-based main course with overcooked veg, followed by stodge and custard. The skin on the gravy and custard wasn’t quite as thick as the school canteen’s – but it was there nonetheless.

3. Bullying was encouraged. The JFDI theory of management (“Just F***ing Do It”) was still practised widely – in the mistaken belief that the way to get the best from your staff was to shout until your face was purple and sweat-streaked – and they were crying tears of humiliation and fear.
Of course, some bosses still act like this today – and they are universally loathed and lonely individuals with no Facebook friends, except for their immediate family (who also secretly hate them.)

4. Blatant sexism and racism were rife. The only jokes here are those who still hold these attitudes. Shame on you.

5. Personal hygiene didn’t get the attention it does today. A meterosexual was someone who used anti-dandruff shampoo once a week. On a hot summer afternoon, the smell from a British office could match the worst a medieval crowd gathered for an early morning hanging could muster.

phone

6. Technology: Fax machines that spat out metres and metres of grease-proof paper with indecipherable writing on, rotary dial telephones that made you wait ages to actually dial each number and dictaphones you had to self-consciously speak into complete our tour of the historic office.

Still complaining? Perhaps you need a course in Mindful Meditation to bring you to your senses.

Make sure you follow me on Twitter @Simlington if you like what you just read.

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014

5 things to give up this Lent to improve your job (and avoid thrombosis)

by Simon Henry @simlington

Let’s face it work can be a right pain in the backside can’t it? A stroppy boss, impossible targets, a coffee machine that’s run out of mocha pumpkin skinny latte. They’re nearly enough to jack it in and go on benefits.

ricky

And it’s not just work. Home can be pretty ‘challenging’ too – especially if the other half is blatantly having a passionate affair, the kids have started playing with matches instead of Lego or – heaven forbid – the WiFi’s a bit slow.

And don’t get me started on commuting – speed bumps, red lights, rain … The list of unbearable frustrations is literally endless. I’m not going to give advice on relationships or driving – they’re too complicated and you just won’t listen, will you?

But I can give you advice on The Office. I’ve watched it loads – especially Series 2.

So here’s a topical list of things you can give up to make work less crap this Lent.

1. Stop emailing people who are within a radius of 20 metres. Getting up, walking over and talking to them may help you avoid thrombosis – and you may find you actually stop hating them.

2. Stop eating your lunch at your desk. And while you’re at it turn your keyboard over and prepare to be disgusted by what tumbles out. If you get up and walk somewhere else to eat – you may avoid contracting thrombosis – and salmonella.

3. Stop farting. If you fart a lot at work and also find yourself marginalised socially and professionally there may be a correlation. Think carefully about your diet and whether Imodium might be a career saver.

4. Stop messing about on Facebook on your phone. It’s stressful pretending you’re not on Facebook when in fact you are. Can’t you wait until lunchtime to do the latest ‘What fish/king of England/porn star are you?’ quiz or read the latest ‘Share this or you’ll get cancer’ threat? I’m not saying you should work harder but there are better ways to waste your time. I find looking out of the window is great.

Even better if I’m scratching something at the same time. Even better if there’s a car crash or a fight to stare at.

5. Stop wondering what it would be like if you had a better job. If you hate your job, find another one – there’s this thing called the internet which makes it quite easy these days. If your job’s okay, then you should probably stop complaining about it.

Complaining is boring for the listener and can give the complainer thrombosis. If you love your job then do you think you might just stop looking quite so smug?

Make sure you follow me @ simlington on Twitter

And you can get email alerts each time I publish a new post. So you never need to miss one again. Ain’t that good? If you’re on a mobile, you can sign up below. If you’re on a computer you need to scroll back up to the top of the page and look on the right-hand side.

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014