Here are 10 new year’s resolutions I think I can keep – these are mainly reminders not to be a dick.
Feel free to borrow any or all of them – not that I’m calling any of you potential dicks.
I’ll stop digging and start the list.
1. Keep not drinking alcohol.
2. Keep not smoking cigarettes.
3. Keep swearing profusely – swearing is big and clever. Sweating less so – despite autocorrect.
4. Keep walking at least six miles a day. This aids sanity.
5. Keep meditating every day. This also aids sanity and makes me seem wise.
6. Don’t lose hope. The world will always contain bell ends. It’s a matter of not letting them piss all over you.
7. Keep not reading the news. It really is designed to make everyone anxious.
8. Keep taking the tablets.
9. Keep being as nice as I can be to other people – being generous and kind really is good for everyone.
10. Don’t eat snow – it contains more pollution than expected.
Happy new year!