2016 could have been better in so many ways.
You’ll have your own personal, emotional, musical, political and environmental low points.
Which reminds me of the Tim Vine pun: ‘Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels.’
Anyway, there’s little point bitching now the year’s nearly over and the lunatics really are taking over the asylum.
We’ve all made mistakes this year. My major howlers included having seconds of rhubarb crumble one dinner time in March when I was already pretty full. To make matters worse, all the custard had gone, so it ended up being a bit on the dry side despite the rhubarb juice and – to me at least – rhubarb without custard is like a fart without the smell: weird and slightly creepy.
Bad simile. Second major mistake of the year.
But no matter how angry, despairing and sad 2016 has made you, it’s good to remember things could get worse in 2017. They really could!
But let’s park that, as chauffeurs often say.
And instead of thinking about how shit 2016 has been or how much shitter 2017 could be, we could try a psychological trick that encourages you to concentrate on the good stuff that has happened to you.
There is some evidence that by directing your thoughts to the happy, uplifting, bright part of the spectrum of your experience and away from the dark, dispiriting, draining part, you can make a positive impact on your mood.
Get into the habit of doing this and you could make a permanent change to your default level of mental health.
To start with, it’s harder than you think – especially if you have a tendency to think the world is populated by morons, that we’re all doomed and what’s the fucking point anyway. But it is possible to improve your default.
One technique is to imagine you’re the absolute opposite of the Daily Mail’s editor. Hopefully, this doesn’t take a huge leap of imagination. If it does, you may need professional help for anger issues, paranoia and cuntishness.
Now the next thing to do is to think of some good things that have happened to you or that you saw or heard or read about.
Write them down if you can be arsed or just think about each memory for as long as you can. What were the colours like, the smells, how did you feel during the experience?
Do this lots and see if your mood improves – surely it can’t do any harm. Unless you start daydreaming while you’re chopping a turnip or flying a light aircraft.
To get you started, here are some things I liked this year and which I think about to make me happier than I otherwise would be.
Growing a moustache – and people’s kindness, sponsoring the poor little ginger bastard. Also killing the little ginger bastard at the end of Movember was like taking off a pair of shoes that are a size too small after wearing them for 31 days.
Giving blood – each time I felt a bit more connected to my fellow humans. A really good part of giving blood (as well as the salty and sweet snack selection after you’ve donated) is the text you receive a few days later telling you the hospital where your blood has been used.
Discovering Belgian chocolate options drink – at only 40 calories a cup it is a true taste sensation. I received no remuneration for this blatant plug. However if anyone from Options is reading this, I am open to receiving free samples in return for apparently natural mentions of the product in my writing.
Voting – I absolutely love voting. I feel like crying my eyes out whenever I go to a polling station, thinking about the sacrifices people have made on the long march to universal suffrage. And recently I’ve felt like crying my eyes out when the results have come in. But that’s going off-subject.
Seeing three deer in a frosty field this very morning – totally unexpectedly. You can’t go wrong with deer in my view.
Seeing any videos of any baby pandas.
A squirrel starting to climb my leg presumably thinking it was a tree (I was wearing brown geography teacher cords) before realising its mistake and jumping off just after it had reached my knee.
Throwing a scrumpled-up piece of paper at a bin that was quite far away – and getting it in first time.
Eating a particularly good fried egg when I was particularly hungry.
I could go on. They all bring a smile to my face.
Write your own positive 2016, think about things that have gone right, then remember some more.
Let’s see if we can look back on this year as not being that shite after all!