Moustache babies aren’t like other babies. As soon as they’re born they can reason well and follow complicated arguments.
During the first few days of life, it’s a good idea for the parent to bolster the baby moustache’s sense of purpose and pride.
The more positive conversations you can have at this early stage in development, the more your moustache will prosper.
Each day can be a revelation for both of you as the baby moustache changes in so many ways. A new sprout here. A growth spurt for an existing bristle there.
‘I’m growing well, aren’t I, daddy?’ asks the baby moustache. ‘Am I the best one ever?’
The parent always looks back on these early days with immense pride and some nostalgia.
Especially during the adolescent period when the baby moustache becomes – sometimes literally overnight – a juvenile delinquent. The bristles start itching, some bristles start to grow in out-of-the-way nooks and crannies
And the previously benign friendly moustache becomes recalcitrant and moody.
‘I don’t care if I’m itchy,’ he says. ‘You grew me. And no I won’t grow in that bald patch. Why should I? You’ll only murder me soon. Yeah – I’ve read all about it. You only keep me for a month. I hate you!’
These are torrid days indeed when cajoling, soothing and even bribery with wax products seem to have no effect.
Patience is the only useful virtue during this dark period of Movember.
If you both survive the growing pangs and panics of itchy, scratchy adolescence, the moustache’s early and mid adulthood are a joy.
Here the moustache can truly find his feet in the world, blossoming to full maturity. Strong, virile and full, the adult moustache is one of the world’s wonders – a bit like Niagara Falls without all the water or the Great Wall of China without the stones.
‘I love life, dad. Thank you for giving it to me. It’s such a pleasure living above your top lip. You’re an inspiration.’
Even now, though, the clouds of doom slightly blot the landscape. And you may be faced with a degree of pleading and emotional blackmail from your hairy side-kick.
‘Please can’t I stay beyond Movember? I promise to be the most loyal moustache a parent could ever want. Life is so good – it would be a travesty to kill me in my prime.’
Again a patient attitude and a sympathetic stroke can do wonders to soothe the anxious mature moustache.
The final cut
Toward the final week of Movember, you’ll find a welcome and increasingly philosophical attitude from your moustache – with his questions veering towards the amount you’ve raised and encouraging you to do more fundraising in the final days of the month.
‘We’ve been through so much,’ he sighs. ‘I’m so so tired. But I think I’ve got one final push in me before it’s curtains.’
And so December comes into view and the razor blade appears. The moustache is now ready for his fate.