New Year – same old you.
Here are five reasons to be happy with yourself – no matter your size and dangerous lifestyle habits. You don’t need a new year’s resolution. You’re perfect as you are.
1. Don’t go on a diet
They don’t work. You go through torture, then you put all the weight back on.
Anyway fat is the new black – you can be a pop star if you’re fat (Adele), you can be a major show host if you’re fat (James Corden) and the government won’t even impose a sugar tax. If ‘Fat Dave’ Cameron is happy with a fat nation, why shouldn’t you be?
2. Don’t try to get fit
Running is dangerous – you pull muscles, destroy joints and may even break your ankles. And there’s always the chance of being run over by drunk drivers.
Meanwhile, gyms are full of smelly narcissists staring at their muscles in the mirrors and making grunting noises. Much better to stay at home watching the telly with a box of chocolates (see 1).
3. Don’t try to learn a new language.
The rest of the world speaks English – many countries whose first language isn’t even English speak it better than us. All of Scandinavia, the Low Countries and Germany, for example. Do something more enjoyable than an evening class. Go to the pub and keep the economy going – see 4.
4. Don’t try to cut down on your drinking.
Think of all the infant craft beer, artisan gin and bespoke bars that are dependant on your continuing alcoholism. Even if your liver is feeling it a bit after Christmas, you owe it to the entrepreneurs who’ve bothered to improve the taste of the nation’s booze to keep your units dangerously high.
5. Don’t try to stop smoking.
It’s worse than heroin cold turkey. Unless you want to lose all your friends, your romantic relationship(s) and your job, don’t even go there.
Happy New Year.