Here’s the top 10 list of Festive Minor Injuries and Ailments.
This list was not provided by ROSPA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents) – who will tell you not to fly remote-controlled planes inside the home or aim party poppers at Aunt Mildred’s eye.
This list contains accidents and ailments that are all unavoidable. So while it’s essentially useless, it’s good to know millions of others are suffering too.
The 2015 Christmas List of Suffering
1. Non-skin-puncturing prick on sole of foot from pine needle.
2. Standing on hard bits of toys and Lego.
3. Minor abrasion from serrated edge of Sellotape cutting machine thing.
4. Stomach bloating.
5. Minor skin irritation from using tinsel as a scarf.
6. Slight nausea from ingesting Advocaat especially if a maraschino cherry is also ingested.
7. Sugar sweats.
8. Hand cuts resulting from playing ‘catch’ with baubles.
9. Meat sweats.
10. Heat exhaustion from wearing wool Christmas jumper while eating full roast dinner in overcrowded house with central heating on – while the temperature outside is 13 degrees Celsius.
Merry Christmas you scumbags, you maggots, you cheap lousy faggots.
And as if this list wasn’t enough, here are the best short Christmas jokes ever – there are some absolute classics in it, like ‘Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship’.