Here are the best, funniest and silliest Xmas jokes, puns, one-liners and quotes ever written.
I hope some of them make you laugh. They’re my present to you all.
Happy Christmas everyone!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
How do Spanish sheep say ‘Happy Christmas’?
The Three Wise Men sound very generous but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.
How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.
Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I’ve got my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.
Mary: Why won’t you put the rubbish out?
Joseph: It’s Christmas – there’s no room in the bin.
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.
What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Why is Santa’s sack so full?
He only comes once a year.
What’s a skunk’s favourite Christmas song?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.
Which of all Santa’s elves is the rudest?
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
What’s a lion’s favourite carol?
How can you tell when Santa’s close by?
You can sense his presents.
What’s a sophisticated drinker’s favourite Christmas carol?
Gin-gle Bells (courtesy of York Gin)
What’s the best Xmas present?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it.
I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note saying: ‘Toys not included’.
The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.
The worst thing about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.
Why did Santa’s little helpers choose the outside table at the restaurant?
They wanted to eat elfresco.
What do you call a lobster who won’t share any of his Xmas presents?
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas so we gave the budgie chest expanders.
We’ve invited the mother-in-law round for Christmas for the last eight years.
This year, we might even let her in.
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
He had low elf esteem.
Ant puts up Christmas decorations in the living room. Dec, the halls.
Marks & Spencer say it wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.
They’re right – it’d be Chrita.
‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’
Christmas is rubbish. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
A Jehovah’s Witness gave me an advent calendar.
The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Be careful drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk one year, I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar. Or, as you like to call it, a delicatessen.
What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire?
What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?
A Santa clause.
What goes ‘Oh! Oh! Oh?’
Santa walking backwards.
What do you call an elf who sings?
Here are the most offensive Christmas jokes