Movember: Six hidden dangers of growing a moustache

By Simon Henry @simlington

Growing a moustache is seen as a fun and stress-free way to raise funds for charity.
Certainly, it seems easier than running a marathon, giving up alcohol or cycling round the world.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Growing a moustache is fraught with dangers – both physical and psychological.

If you haven’t sponsored a Movember moustache on the grounds that this activity doesn’t involve enough danger or torture on the part of the fundraiser, perhaps this will make you think again.

The real and present dangers of growing a moustache

1. Appalling physical side effects

An artist's impression of a head louse and a pubic louse. The pubic one can grow in your moustache.

An artist’s impression of a head louse and a pubic louse. The pubic one can grow in your moustache.

The following quote from GP Dr Bram Brons of HealthExpress.co.uk about the danger of growing facial hair is probably enough to turn your stomach.

‘One of the biggest disadvantages is pubic lice – also known as crabs – that can live in (facial hair).
‘If you don’t care for it, it will begin to smell in a similar way to a sweaty and unwashed armpit.
‘The smell can be a sign that bacteria are living in the (facial hair), and they could eventually cause a number of ailments.’

Pass the shampoo! Quick.

2. Comparisons to horrible moustache wearers

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Peter Mandelson relaxing next to a mirror with his moustache.

Think of the horrendous people in history and politics who’ve sported moustaches.
How would you like to be compared to Stalin, Hitler, Saddam, Peter Mandelson or George Galloway?

3. High moral expectations

Other (more admired) people in history have also worn moustaches. This group of do-gooders includes Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Mother Teresa.

4. Expectations you have a good sense of humour

Others have used the moustache as a comedy prop – Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx, Borat, Peter Mandelson, George Galloway and Mother Teresa have used it to ridiculous effect.

5. Expectations you’re good at sport

Eddie Edwards competed in the Frozen Moustache Event at the Winter Olympics .

Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards competed in the Frozen Moustache event at the Winter Olympics. He came last.

Over the last 30 years, several skilled sportsmen have worn a moustache – these include the hard-drinking Australian cricketers David Boon and Merv Hughes, almost the entire Liverpool FC team in the early to mid-80s and Nigel Mansell.

Being expected to tell jokes and walk funny while doing flick-ups, driving quickly and preaching peace and charity is too much for any normal person to bear.

6. A moustache isn’t a beard

And the worst thing about it is that it’s just not a beard.

Some research somewhere shows that beards make the wearer look more attractive than the clean-shaven cove – especially if the person has lots of acne on their chin and cheeks.

Having a moustache just makes you look creepy.

Want to sponsor my ginger moustache? 

 

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One thought on “Movember: Six hidden dangers of growing a moustache

  1. Pingback: Zen and the art of moustache maintenance: 6 ways to keep calm in Movember | Humour me: Smile, laugh, giggle, wet yourself with Simon Henry – simlington

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