By Simon Henry @simlington
Growing a moustache is seen as a fun and stress-free way to raise funds for charity.
Certainly, it seems easier than running a marathon, giving up alcohol or cycling round the world.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Growing a moustache is fraught with dangers – both physical and psychological.
If you haven’t sponsored a Movember moustache on the grounds that this activity doesn’t involve enough danger or torture on the part of the fundraiser, perhaps this will make you think again.
The real and present dangers of growing a moustache
1. Appalling physical side effects
‘One of the biggest disadvantages is pubic lice – also known as crabs – that can live in (facial hair).
‘If you don’t care for it, it will begin to smell in a similar way to a sweaty and unwashed armpit.
‘The smell can be a sign that bacteria are living in the (facial hair), and they could eventually cause a number of ailments.’
Pass the shampoo! Quick.
2. Comparisons to horrible moustache wearersThink of the horrendous people in history and politics who’ve sported moustaches.
How would you like to be compared to Stalin, Hitler, Saddam, Peter Mandelson or George Galloway?
3. High moral expectations
Other (more admired) people in history have also worn moustaches. This group of do-gooders includes Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Mother Teresa.
4. Expectations you have a good sense of humour
Others have used the moustache as a comedy prop – Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx, Borat, Peter Mandelson, George Galloway and Mother Teresa have used it to ridiculous effect.
5. Expectations you’re good at sportOver the last 30 years, several skilled sportsmen have worn a moustache – these include the hard-drinking Australian cricketers David Boon and Merv Hughes, almost the entire Liverpool FC team in the early to mid-80s and Nigel Mansell.
Being expected to tell jokes and walk funny while doing flick-ups, driving quickly and preaching peace and charity is too much for any normal person to bear.
6. A moustache isn’t a beard
And the worst thing about it is that it’s just not a beard.
Some research somewhere shows that beards make the wearer look more attractive than the clean-shaven cove – especially if the person has lots of acne on their chin and cheeks.
Having a moustache just makes you look creepy.