Commonwealth Games: Why Scotland wins whatever the result

by Simon Henry @simlington

The Commonwealth Games is a strange institution – a celebration of England invading other countries, on a sporting theme.

Every four years, Commonwealth countries (many with questionable human rights records) gather to celebrate their mediocrity in a variety of sports.

For example, Cameroonian wrestlers aren’t very good at wrestling. But they are good at going missing in countries with good human rights records, like Scotland.

Our Scottish hosts are unbeatable at some sports – curling, tossing the caber and baiting the English in arguments.

And their football team don’t raise national hopes by getting to World Cup finals, only to be humiliatingly kicked out at the first hurdle like some teams we could mention.

It’s all a game

These games come at an interesting time, with an independence vote imminent that could presumably see Scotland removed from the Commonwealth and the EU as well as Britain, the UK and the British Isles.

But no matter what happens in the games or the independence vote, Scotland wins.

Here’s why:

1. The men know how to cross dress.
When English men cross dress they just look like sluts. Scotsmen in kilts look ultra sexy and masculine – especially when they forego the sporran.

2. The lowliest alcoholic tramp has a wider vocabulary than the average product of an English public school.

3. Saying ‘murder’ with a strong Scottish accent is a lot of fun.

4. Scotland has its very own words and phrases like ‘loch’ (lake), ‘Sassenach’ (English b*stard) and ‘pure dead brilliant’ (good).

5. Haggis: What’s not to love about eating mashed up and spicy innards and offal?

6. Its football teams are called things like Stenhousemuir, Partick Thistle and Cowdenbeath.

7. Irn Bru is actually made in Scotland, from girders. No joke. Add it to a Tunnocks caramel wafer biscuit and you immediately think: ‘What hangover?’

8. It has a place called Glenrothes. Get a Scot to pronounce it properly. You’ll melt.

And if I’ve got something even slightly wrong in this blog, I look forward to a beautifully argued Scottish response that puts me back in my English box.

My Posts about sport include the amazing experience of the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire, lessons in losing from the World Cup, why running marathons isn’t necessarily good for you and a Boat Race special about what Oxford fails to teach its students.

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And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014



4 thoughts on “Commonwealth Games: Why Scotland wins whatever the result

  1. liisur

    I love the Scottish accent, though… Yes, I am terrified when I have to make a formal call to a Scot because really- 75% of what they say is a mystery to me, but I love listening to them… Even If I have to say “Pardon?” more than ethically suitable 🙂


  2. Nigel

    Whit’s i point it yer tryin’ ti make err pal? Ah’ll huv ye know it oor ca’ centirs are aw staffed wi peepil who dinny huv ti pretend ti huv watched eastendurs or cornashun street….naw lik aw them Indjin wans whit pretend ti be cawed Barry or Nigel….at least if wan i oors tells ye it he’s cawed Barry, it ill be cause he is cawed Barry……don’t believe it if he saiz he’s cawed Nigel but


  3. Nigel

    Haw, Simon….ah got yer joke whin ye cawed me Barry even though ah’m Nigel …….. ah wiz actually talkin’ ti the other yin thit was chunterin’oan aboot phonin’ Scotland…your bit was fine n dandy….
    except it’s “ah proper love Scotland” always followed by “so ah dae”



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