by Simon Henry @simlington
The Commonwealth Games is a strange institution – a celebration of England invading other countries, on a sporting theme.
Every four years, Commonwealth countries (many with questionable human rights records) gather to celebrate their mediocrity in a variety of sports.
For example, Cameroonian wrestlers aren’t very good at wrestling. But they are good at going missing in countries with good human rights records, like Scotland.
Our Scottish hosts are unbeatable at some sports – curling, tossing the caber and baiting the English in arguments.
And their football team don’t raise national hopes by getting to World Cup finals, only to be humiliatingly kicked out at the first hurdle like some teams we could mention.
It’s all a game
These games come at an interesting time, with an independence vote imminent that could presumably see Scotland removed from the Commonwealth and the EU as well as Britain, the UK and the British Isles.
But no matter what happens in the games or the independence vote, Scotland wins.
1. The men know how to cross dress.
When English men cross dress they just look like sluts. Scotsmen in kilts look ultra sexy and masculine – especially when they forego the sporran.
2. The lowliest alcoholic tramp has a wider vocabulary than the average product of an English public school.
3. Saying ‘murder’ with a strong Scottish accent is a lot of fun.
4. Scotland has its very own words and phrases like ‘loch’ (lake), ‘Sassenach’ (English b*stard) and ‘pure dead brilliant’ (good).
5. Haggis: What’s not to love about eating mashed up and spicy innards and offal?
6. Its football teams are called things like Stenhousemuir, Partick Thistle and Cowdenbeath.
8. It has a place called Glenrothes. Get a Scot to pronounce it properly. You’ll melt.
And if I’ve got something even slightly wrong in this blog, I look forward to a beautifully argued Scottish response that puts me back in my English box.
My Posts about sport include the amazing experience of the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire, lessons in losing from the World Cup, why running marathons isn’t necessarily good for you and a Boat Race special about what Oxford fails to teach its students.
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Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014