by Simon Henry @simlington
England’s footballers lose in style – with millions watching in horror as they mess it up again.
But we all go about our lives being losers every day.
We’re all losers now – in fact, we always have been.
But don’t worry – losing is the new winning.
‘Soy un perdedor. I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me?’
(I’ve only just realised the foreign line from this Beck song means ‘I’m a loser’ in Spanish.)
What a loser for not knowing that.
You can watch the video if you like (3 mins 56 secs).
It’s lost on me, I must say.
Types of losing
You can lose you marbles, senses, grip, touch, job.
You can also lose your virginity, fears and inhibitions.
And of course, we all lose to The Grim Reaper in the end.
Some types of losing sound bad – like losing touch.
But then if you lose touch with someone convicted of murder, it’s probably good.
Losing your fear of spiders is considered to be good.
But what if you so utterly conquer your arachnophobia, you end up befriending a tarantula that fatally bites you?
You see, things aren’t always as clear as they first seem.
Let’s take the World Cup as a case in point.
It’s commonly accepted that most English people wanted England to win the World Cup.
But imagine if it actually happened:
Doctors’ surgeries would be inundated with requests for betablockers, anxiety tablets and sleeping pills.
The NHS would basically collapse.
Wimbledon would probably be cancelled – and Andy Murray would be even more cross than normal.
Literally all England fans would get a tattoo of the St George cross – except people who already had one. They would add a picture of Steven Gerrard to their inky collection.
The price of bulldogs would go through the roof – and thefts of the breed would escalate.
The country would literally run out of Heineken, Stella, Carlsberg and Carling.
Millions more drivers would fly mini flags on their cars. With the resulting reduction in fuel efficiency, an energy crisis would potentially follow.
People simply wouldn’t bother going to work, so bodies would remain unburied, bins would remain unemptied … and McDonalds and KFC would remain closed.
(This last example would almost certainly necessitate Civil Emergency procedures with troops on the street, etc.)
The housing boom would suddenly turn to bust as the English forgot about their obsession with bricks and mortar.
The Scottish would definitely vote Yes to independence as the English became even more arrogant than normal.
The potential horror just goes on and on and on.
Actually that’s enough.
And then, after all the celebrations had died down, people would slowly realise that nothing had really changed.
(Except all the programmes about 1966 would be replaced by programmes about 2014. And Steven Gerrard would become Lord Gerrard of Toxteth.)
But really, it would just be like an extreme version of Christmas.
Really good to start with.
But after a while you just need a really good fart, a sleep then a cold turkey and stuffing sandwich with Only Fools & Horses.
So we’ve avoided some terrible lager hangovers, a canine crime epidemic and a collective nervous breakdown.
And just think about the excellent lesson it’s taught us all.
Everyone has to deal with losing stuff – keys, mojo, bottle …
And the more practice you get at losing, the better equipped you are when loss actually strikes.
As it always will.
So a big thank you to the set of losers who call themselves the England Football Team.
You’ve taught us how to lose in style.
Next loss: 2018. Group stage.
You can get an email alert whenever I publish a new post. If you’re on a mobile you can sign up below. If you’re on a computer, sign up at the top right-hand of the page.
And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter
Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014