12 reasons why being an atheist is heaven on earth

by Simon Henry @simlington

It’s that time again, when the cock crows three times, Jesus is crucified – and The Life of Brian gets its annual airing.

Here are some great reasons why not believing in god is great.

And they don’t even depend on the Harvard Prayer Experiment (showing how dangerous prayer can be).

If you’re religious, please don’t pray for me.

Reasons for atheists to be cheerful 1, 2 … 12

1.
We actually enjoy Lent.

In between the pancake binge at the start and the chocolate binge at the end, we act pretty normally. We don’t give up masturbation or other enjoyable activities.

And we don’t mind if you call us ‘w**kers’ either – we’re not defensive like that.

2.
We don’t have to eat Jesus’s flesh or drink his blood.

Reducing the levels of cannibalism in our society has to be good, doesn’t it?

Which reminds me: Two cannibals are eating a clown for dinner. One of them asks: ‘Does this taste funny?’ See some much better jokes here

3.
We don’t have to crap ourselves about dying.

There are no worries about having red hot pokers stuck up our arse for eternity by cruel and sadistic imps in the boiling bowels of hell.

For an atheist, the chief annoyance is that this wonderful life has to end.

4.

Leviticus is a book in the Old Testament and a Swedish Christian metal band. Neither offers unalloyed entertainment.

Leviticus is a book in the Old Testament and a Swedish Christian metal band. Neither offers unalloyed entertainment.

We don’t have to memorise swathes of the bible – like this example of religious toleration from Leviticus:

‘Anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him.’

5.
We don’t have to knock on strangers’ doors asking the householders to follow Christ.

If any of us wanted to go door-to-door we’d sell something more useful than Jesus.

Like an entire out-of-date set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

6.
We don’t have to thank god for everything that goes right, or claim he works in mysterious ways when they go wrong.

We try to maximise the chances of good things happening to us, and minimise the chances of the bad; and when we experience good or bad luck, we just accept it.

This approach is less complicated than trying to work out why god hates you so much that he gave you a spot on your nose, or only arranged a 1% pay rise for you this tax year.

7.
We don’t have to confess our sins to a man in a dress who tots up the number of Hail Marys and Our Fathers we have to recite to atone for the sins of ‘coveting’ a new iPhone or feeling horny.

8.

Condoms or ‘Latex Jonathans’ come in different colours and sizes. You can even get ones that taste nice. Life is good.

Condoms or ‘Latex Jonathans’ come in different colours and sizes. You can even get ones that taste nice. Life is good.

We can enjoy sex without worrying we’re off to hell if we like people of the same gender or if we wear a condom.

Guilt-free and pregnancy-free sex are great. Which reminds me: ‘Contraception should be used on every conceivable occasion.’ (Thanks, Spike.)

9.
We can blaspheme with impunity. As we know, ‘Jesus Christ’ is a versatile phrase to accompany amazement or anger. ‘God Almighty’ is a lovely phrase to describe exasperation. And ‘Piss Christ’ is an impressive piece of art.

10.
We can tell jokes like these:

– Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the receptionist three nails and says: ‘Can you put me up for the night?’

– What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting? You only need one nail to hang up a painting.  More of the world’s best short jokes.

11.
We can also watch The Life Of Brian without being offended. ‘He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty boy.’ (Watch the part where his mum actually says it – 2 mins 20 secs.)

12.
We don’t have the mind-bending conundrum of working out who begat whom.

The issue of Jesus being his own father and not having sex with his own mum but still getting her pregnant with himself is a non-issue for atheists.

So you don’t get theologically-inspired headaches or nervous breakdowns.

And you don’t have to work out why your religion, or your flavour of it, is the ‘right’ one. It makes things so much easier if you just say: ‘They’re all bollocks’.

If you enjoyed this, maybe you’ll be interested in how to get Excommunicated from the Catholic church by email. It’s really easy.

And don’t forget to watch Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (3 mins 16 secs).

Please feel free to take a look at some of my other posts. I’m told my A-Z of Office Jargon is funny.

You can get an email alert whenever I publish a new post. If you’re on a mobile you can sign up below. If you’re on a computer, sign up at the top right-hand of the page.

And you can follow me @simlington on Twitter for more attempts to make you smile, laugh, giggle and even possibly wet yourself.

Copyright Simon Henry @simlington 2014

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2 thoughts on “12 reasons why being an atheist is heaven on earth

  1. Pingback: Excommunication from the Catholic Church by email: A simple and fun guide for atheists | Smile, laugh, giggle, wet yourself

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